


Take me to church

by Juliaenerys



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: And angst, And sad things, But Mostly Smut, Feelings and stuff, Homosexuality, M/M, Religion, Smut, Stuff, and also, and it's pretty violent at some times, bye, calum is weirded out and awkward most of the time, it has a lot of different themes, like really it has a lot of sexual things, lots of smut, parents are annoying, so this is something i've been working on for a long long time, warning luke cries a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-27 14:12:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2695958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliaenerys/pseuds/Juliaenerys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Calum and Luke are cousins from a very religious family and when they meet for the first time, a lot of things start to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously inspired by Hozier's hauntingly beautiful song Take me to church -  
> You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYSVMgRr6pw  
> And here are other tracks that fit the mood of this story:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9LmAkj1uYE&index=8&list=PLlmzqfeEecwvBWOFt-oNAegtZ9EkdpcnL (We will never know - from the OST of British TV show The Paradise)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zYL3bMBePQ (Uno - Ludovico Einaudi)

 

 

                A funeral is no place to be laughing.

                The merry sound may be low and, in a very hypocritical way, polite, but it does reach Calum’s ear and his heart skips a beat gently. At first, he believes he mistook it for a smothered sob, though as time passes, it becomes obvious he did not. He is not the only one looking up from his missal and glancing around confusedly. The giggles momentarily quiet down and Calum goes back to whispering. But somehow, he knows this is not over.

                Calum has never been to a funeral before, despite him being a child no more. The loss of his great-grandfather, whom he hardly knew, did not affect his feelings much, however, he was taught and knows perfectly what to do in such times of grief. As the dozens of relatives gathered in the church rise to their feet to sing together, Calum hears another chuckle. This time, someone clears her throat disapprovingly and a man two rows in front of Calum turns around, a frown creasing his forehead.

                “Is someone laughing?” Calum asks his sister Mali-koa in a murmur. As a response, the only thing she does is glare at him and motion for him to be quiet. But as Calum sings along the lines of the following psalm, curiosity tickles him inside. He waits until silence is back to take a look behind him – and in that moment, he sees the only smiling face in the dark crowd.

                A smile, even the faintest of all, may only seem odd in such an occasion. Calum turns back to the priest a split second later, but the glimpse he caught of golden hair, pale skin and amused, provocative blue irises remains engraved in his mind. He finds himself distracted and forgets to turn the page of his missal, which Mali-koa does for him with an exasperated huff before her face melts back into a sorrowful expression. Calum licks his lips and his eyes slide over the words as he attempts thinking of his great-grandfather and of how deep in grief his family is drowning.

                If he ignores the endless psalms and touching, tearful speeches tinted with gentle sadness of the sons, the daughters, the grandchildren, the cousins and acquaintances, Calum can feel the eerie atmosphere of it all. Although he has entered churches countless times, never have the faces on stained-glass windows gazed down upon him with such sympathy, never has the melody drifting from the organ sent such thrills down his spine – never has the low whisper of the people gathered pulsed with such muffled sadness. Calum finds the funeral beautifully moving. He might have cried, just because of the charm of it all – if the boy a few rows behind had stopped giggling.

                Calum doesn’t know who he is. But now embarrassment is replacing frowns and several people have been turning around to look in his direction. More than anyone else, Mali-koa seems appalled and keeps clutching the silver cross hanging around her neck in her delicate hand. She looks like she is begging Him to forgive that boy for all his sins. Calum thinks she should take it easy. Yet the giggles remain, airy and colourful. The priest pretends, fruitlessly, not to hear them. And they remain. Until the slap comes.

                It’s brief, short, dry, and cold. Mostly cold. Silence is back. Calum turns around slowly, ignoring Mali-koa’s glance at him, and he sees the golden-haired boy sitting with his eyes downcast, a bright red mark on his left cheek. As the ceremony goes on and on, until it is complete, Calum keeps reading with very little conviction, praying with very little conviction, singing with very little conviction and getting up and sitting back down with very little conviction – his attention has been caught by the boy behind him. He wonders why he was laughing, and also and maybe even more, who he is.

                About half an hour later, after the speeches come the donations, then everyone walks by the casket in turn, brushing the wood with their fingertips, making the sign of the cross, letting out sobs. Calum’s heart beats fast when he does it himself as suddenly, he realizes his very great-grandfather lies deceased inches apart from him. Yet as soon as he walks away, the sensation vanishes.

                It takes long for him to actually meet the boy. The ceremony in the church ends, then it’s time for everyone to drive to the graveyard a few kilometres further. Calum walks slowly, making his way through the black silhouettes – mourning clothes seem to make amazingly realistic-looking ravens out of everyone this day – and finally steps outside. November is a chilly month. The cold wind slips its way through his jacket and he shivers. Everything he sees is grey, black or white. Women are crying, men are containing their grief, children are asking for permission to go.

                Calum, his sister and his parents head to their car. Mr. Hood has tears in her eyes and it makes Calum extremely uncomfortable. He knows his father loved his grandfather very much, although in his last days they didn’t see each other often. His mother drives to the graveyard. In the car, Mali-koa mentions the laughing boy and both Calum’s mother and father agree on saying it was rude, but when they don’t sound as shocked as she is, she crosses her arms and stops speaking. Calum observes her for a moment. His older sister is such a particular person.

                Rain starts to fall shortly before they reach the cemetery, as if the whole scene wasn’t dramatic enough. There aren’t as many people gathered there as in the church – the families with young children went home, as well as the friends, and only the close relatives or those who loved Calum’s great-grandfather the most remain. They all stand in an imperfect circle around the grave as the service begins. It’s much shorter than Calum expected and he doesn’t know whether he feels more relieved or ashamed to feel relieved.

                He only sees the boy as the priest says his last words. _"May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace,”_ Calum hears. _He’s there,_ he thinks. The golden-haired boy is gazing at some detail on the grave, seemingly not paying attention to the ceremony. But as the casket is lowered into the grave, he shuts his eyes and crosses himself with such faith that Calum stands frozen, gazing at him until the image of his pale face is the only thing he can think of.

                People are walking away. Calum lingers for a moment, without exactly knowing what he is waiting for. His family and he are to go to his grandmother and grandfather’s home now for a shared meal. Dragging his feet in the grass, feeling cold, he trails back to the car. There are traces of tears on Mali-koa’s cheeks now. She wraps herself in her coat with majestic sorrow and doesn’t spare him a single look. Calum sits down, and he fastens his seatbelt. That’s when he sees the boy. He’s still outside, but their eyes meet and neither of them looks away. The boy smiles. Then Calum’s mother drives.

                During the luncheon, people’s sadness fades away little by little. Calum isn’t feeling hungry at all and the pâté his mother forced him to eat is threatening to come back up at every second. He waits, feeling terrible, until dessert, to ask for permission to go and have a breath of fresh air outside. His grandparents’ house is quite big and they have a very quiet garden outside. As he climbs down the stone stairs to reach the grass and the bushes, the cold atmosphere wraps around him and blows his sickness away. Calum closes his eyes, inhales, exhales.

                “Hey.”

                Calum turns around with surprise and he sees a thin, black silhouette, standing at the bottom of the stairs. Golden hair waving in the wind. The boy smiles silently and walks up to him. The mark on his cheek is gone and once again, he looks cunning, mischievous, provocative, almost arrogant. Calum feels very cold suddenly. “You…” he begins. The boy shrugs. “That wasn’t acceptable,” Calum says. He sounds a bit silly, trying to scold him. “My sister…”

                “Mali-koa is a bitch,” the boy says with a big grin. He laughs. “I’m Luke. We’re cousins.”

                As Luke smiles, Calum notices a little scar under his lip and he wonders how he got it. “I’m Calum,” he replies mechanically. He had no idea they were related – but now that he thinks about it, he did hear about a second or third cousin named Luke or something like that once. Or maybe he heard about his brother, or his father, or… Calum is still thinking about it when Luke starts speaking again.

                “You live in S., right? Heard someone mentioning it,” he says, without waiting for Calum to answer. “My family and I just moved there. Since, you know, our great-grandfather, may he rest in peace, just passed away,” he adds very seriously, “my mother wanted to be closer to our great-grandmother so that she doesn’t feel alone.”

                The retirement home where said great-grandmother had been living for a year or so with her husband – and where she will now be living alone – is located a few kilometres from Calum’s home. In spite of this, Calum didn’t visit them often – which was one thing his parents reproached him regularly – but he knows what it’s like. “That’s cool, I guess,” he says. He glances at Luke. The boy’s hands are buried in his pockets and with his black jacket, black shirt, black jeans and black shoes, he looks like a crow too. Except for the blonde hair.

                “We could meet up somewhere one day and hang out,” Luke says. Calum isn’t certain he wants to _hang out_ with a boy who giggles at funerals. But there’s something about Luke, something about the way he smiles after his last words slip from his lips, something that makes him say yes even though he doesn’t know why. “That’s nice,” Luke says. “I go to church every Sunday morning. Meet me there afterwards?”

                “Okay,” Calum hears himself saying.

                The wind blows again and Luke’s eyes turn into grey and blue crescents. They stay in the garden for a while, not speaking. Then, someone calls Luke from inside and he chuckles quietly. “I gotta go,” he says. “See you next week, cousin.” Before he walks away, he takes hold of Calum’s hand and squeezes it gently. Calum shivers. It’s cold as ice. He watches Luke go, at a loss for words. Less than ten minutes later, he is called as well. It’s time for everyone to leave.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Calum doesn't mention Luke at home during the following week. His parents have family members on the phone quite often for a while, whether it is to share news or solve paperwork issues. But life goes on. Calum's family lives in a small town. To go to Christian College everyday, he has to take the bus or the train. They couldn't afford paying for an apartment or a room on campus. But Calum is fine with it. He's quite curious about what will happen on the next Sunday. Since he does not have Luke's phone number, he cannot contact him. Somehow, something somewhere tells him his cousin isn't going to be on facebook and he doesn't even search for him. He can only wait.

                Calum's parents go to church on Sundays occasionally, but this week isn't one of those weeks. Contrary to them, though, Mali-koa attends almost every Sunday. Calum does not. As a child and a teen, he did, and he took catechism classes, but when he left middle school, he stopped going. Faith is a concept hard to grasp and Calum doesn't really know whether it lives within him or not. Thinking of God in particular moments is enough for him and it seems healthy enough this way - going to the mass would feel forced, which is why he doesn't. At about half past twelve, he leaves the house and heads to the city centre. The church is close enough to home for him to walk there and he gets going. The weather is just as bad as on the day of the funeral. Grim, grey clouds fill the sky and a cold wind slashes Calum's face.

                When he arrives, a few people are still standing on the place before the church; they seem to have stayed for a little while longer after the mass. Above the clock tower, the clouds look even darker. Calum enters the church slowly, getting used to the quiet atmosphere. It's even colder inside. And almost empty. Calum walks between the rows of benches, absently looking at the stained-glass windows, the stone walls and the organ, huge and shiny and covered with ornaments. He looks for Luke but doesn't see him. And then he does.

                Calum stops walking. Luke is kneeling. Hands tightly clasped together. Eyes shut. Calum holds his breath. He feels like he is witnessing something extremely intimate and personal. Luke looks...transported. His elbows rest on the back of the bench in front of him and Calum sees the back of his neck, very pale, and his hair, smooth and golden. And for a reason that will forever remain unknown, in that moment, Calum feels both fascinated and scared. Luke seems beautifully haunted by his prayer – and Calum knows this is something he cannot understand.

                It lasts quite long but Calum doesn't see time pass. He slowly gets closer to Luke and stands behind him until he is finished. Luke's eyes open and he turns around, like he just noticed Calum. "Hello," he says with a little smile. Calum looks away. There is no trace of embarrassment on Luke's face or of anger to have been seen, but still, guilt creeps up inside Calum. "You came," Luke goes on as he rises to his feet.

                "How long have you been here?" Calum asks.

                "Quite a long time," Luke chuckles. "I like it here. My parents force me to go to the mass like they do but I hate this. Too many people come because they feel like it's some sort of duty." As he goes on, he begins to stroll around, hands in his pockets, and Calum follows him, listening to his every word. "They don’t _believe_ , do you know what I mean? So after my parents leave with the others, I stay for a while. At least, they let me do that." He look at Calum. "But that's not interesting. How are you?" he asks.

                Taken aback, Calum clears his throat and stammers, "Fine, what about you?"

                "Fine," Luke says. They keep walking around in the church, not speaking much, and time lapses quietly. The more Calum hears Luke speak, the stranger he feels. Just hearing him talk is enough. In those moments, Luke's voice is low and he glances at Calum regularly, mechanically, to check Calum is listening. Calum is listening. They end up spending almost an hour inside the cold church, walking past the same statues of saints, columns and stained-glass windows with colours time has faded again and again. Luke is dressed in black today as well. Calum wonders if he always is.

                Soon it's time for Luke to leave and it seems weird to Calum that he asked him to come at such an hour if he had to go back home almost immediately and couldn't even have a drink in town. Somehow, Luke gets what he's thinking and he smiles. "I'm not allowed to stay out for too long," he explains. Calum thinks that dammit, he's nineteen, but says nothing. The memory of the slap during the funeral comes back to him and he doesn't want to imagine what the person who was responsible of it is capable of. "We can meet up again next week if you want to," Luke says softly as they walk out.

                Calum blinks repeatedly, blinded by daylight. He is about to ask why they would do such a thing when he meets Luke's eyes...and those ice blue irises cut into him like iron. What he wanted to say is washed away from his mind. "I...yes," he breathes. Luke seems happy. His black jacket really makes Calum think of a crow. Or maybe a bigger sort of thing. _Death_ , he thinks, shivering. Luke gets closer to him and just like the previous week, he grabs his hand.

                "Well, see you next Sunday, then," he whispers. He turns around and walks away, waving without looking at Calum. Calum stands there for a moment, gazing at him then, when Luke is gone, gazing at the church. In the end, he goes home too. Black birds watch him from the clock tower, cawing and sniggering.

 

 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When family, friendship and affection get tangled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first all of tysm for the sweet sweet comments last time! It made me so happy :)  
> I hope you'll like this too!

 

 

                Calum doesn’t think that his family is too strict or that the rules his parents have told him to abide by for his entire life are completely irrelevant. He’s just used to living like this. When he opens the door of his house and steps in, his frozen cheeks suddenly burning with the warmth of the hall, he hears his mother call him. “Where were you, Calum?” she asks. “You didn’t tell me where you were going.” Calum takes off his shoes, puts them in the shoe cupboard, takes off his coat, puts it on the coat hanger and heads to the living-room, where his mother is watching TV. “What were you doing?”

                Joy Hood is a middle-aged woman with skin as golden as Calum’s and Mali-koa’s. She married her husband young, and once Calum heard someone mention it had taken time for his father’s family to accept she came from New Zealand – although the fact they shared the same religion had helped settling it all in the end. Calum sits on the armrest of the sofa, looking at the TV screen without really watching the show. “I was at church,” he lets out.

                “Really?” his mother replies, sounding pleasantly surprised.

                “Yeah,” Calum says. “I met Luke there.”

                “Luke?”

                “Luke – you know, my third cousin or something. We met at…the funeral and since his family and he moved in here recently, he suggested we hung out together from time to time. That would create bonds,” he adds, “I guess.”

                “Oh, I see who he is,” his mother says. “Yes, he’s the one who…”

                Mrs. Hood’s words are caught by Mali-koa calling Calum from her bedroom upstairs. “Cal? Are you back?” she shouts. “I can’t find my earphones, where did you put them?”

                Calum sighs and he gets up. “What were you saying?”

                “Oh, nothing,” his mother answers. “Go get the earphones, she’s been complaining for a while now.” As she turns towards the television again, Calum walks out of the living-room, bracing himself for the moment his sister finds out he kinda broke her left earphone.

                Of course, creating bonds within the family in such times of grief is far from being the only reason why Calum goes back to the town church on the following Sunday to see Luke. For all he knows, his family and his cousin’s aren’t really close and he doubts whether they’ll even have dinner together one day, even if they live very close to each other. No – what makes him go out on such a rainy day is really wanting to see him. It’s been a long time since Calum’s curiosity was aroused like this. He cannot quite say why, but he’s got a feeling there is more to Luke than just smiles and four colours. And it’s nice to have somebody to talk to. Luke is eloquent and they may not have known each other for a long time, but at least, the last time they met, Calum did enjoy his company.

                Thus him stepping inside the church walls, closing his umbrella and zipping his jacket open. Outside it’s pouring rain, and this time, nobody has stayed on the place. The benches are empty as well. Except for one. Calum doesn’t find Luke in the same position as last time and he suspects him or having felt observed in an intrusive way, although he didn’t show it. He walks to the wooden bench and sits next to Luke, who cracks a playful smile. “Come rain or shine, you’re coming, aren’t you?” he says.

                “So are you,” Calum points out.

                “That’s true,” Luke nods. “So, what’s up?” he asks. “Is college still going O.K.?”

                “Oh, you know, I’m just like. You know. Physics.”

                “I know,” Luke chuckles. “Do you wish you’d chosen something else to study?” he asks.

                Calum swallows as those blue eyes meet his own. “No,” he says, without conviction. “Why are you asking that?”

                “I was just curious,” Luke answers with a shrug.

                “Don’t you want to go somewhere else?”

                “It’s raining.”

                “Coffee.”

                “I have to go home soon.”

                “Why did you ask me to come, then?”

                “You don’t feel comfortable here, do you?”

                That’s when Calum falls silent briefly. He looks down at his feet. There are traces of rain on the stone floor around his shoes, dark and wet. Not around Luke’s. Luke’s hands rest on his knees, perfectly still. The boy smiles and waits for him to speak up. “I don’t know,” Calum confesses in the end.

                “You’ll get used to it,” Luke says.

                He doesn’t add anything else and just sits there quietly. Calum doesn’t quite know what to do. This is very embarrassing. Sure, they’re cousins, but the more Calum sees Luke’s personality unfolding before his eyes, the more he questions whether he really does want to see him that often. Luke asks strange questions. Luke looks like he’s mourning someone different every week. Luke’s blue eyes make Calum shiver. Luke is mysterious.

                Yet on the following Sunday, Calum comes back once again. And on the one after as well. And on the one after, and the one after, and the one after. Months pass. He doesn’t spend that much time with Luke and on some days, they don’t even exchange more than three or four sentences, but it feels like something to wait for every week, like a special event. Calum gets attached to his cousin, though it comes so slowly he isn’t really aware of it. The awkward silences turn into comfortable ones. And there’s something else. The way Luke seems to be deeply involved in religion fascinates him. Having spent years of his life going to church every week to attend boring classes with other kids or going to the mass on Christmas day or Easter never felt that way. Luke has something different. Almost intimidating.

                That week, in February, when Calum enters the church, Luke isn’t sitting in his usual spot. Calum thinks that maybe he couldn’t come and couldn’t contact him because after all, for some reason, they still do not have each other’s phone number, but it doesn’t sound right. And indeed, a minute later, Calum finds out Luke is there, but instead of sitting or kneeling on a bench, he’s lighting a candle in a corner of the church. Calum steps to him quietly and smiles without a word. Luke looks up. “Oh, hi,” he says.

                “You’re not where you usually are,” Calum replies without thinking.

                “We didn’t go to the mass today, so I’m doing this now,” Luke explains.

                The two natural questions stumble on Calum’s lips and they get tangled. “Why did – who?” he asks. Luke raises an eyebrow, puzzled. “Why didn’t you go?” Calum asks again. There is something telling him that Luke’s family didn’t randomly decide not to attend today.

                A tired smile forms on Luke’s lips. “Let’s sit down,” he says. Their steps seem to hit every corner or every stone as they walk to a bench. Calum sits next to Luke, and waits. “I think that’s better if I tell you the whole story now, otherwise you won’t understand anything,” he begins. “You know my brother Ben?” Calum nods absently even though he has no idea who Luke is talking about. “Okay. Well, maybe you also know he passed away in a car accident when he was nine,” the golden-haired boy lets out.

                Calum’s heart pounds suddenly. He had no idea he was about to hear about something like that. It feels heavy, abrupt. “Oh,” he breathes. “I’m sorry.”

                “I was two years old, I only remember pieces of him from pictures and stuff,” Luke shrugs. Once again, he smiles. “Long story short, my mother lost faith for a moment after that. I mean, you can tell someone that He wanted my brother to come to Him and that everything happens for a reason – well, Ben _was_ dead and she didn’t forgive Him for that. But,” he carries on. “The show isn’t over. I have another brother, he’s four years older than me. That’s Jack. Ever heard of him?” Frightened, Calum shakes his head without a word. “Oh, it’s fine. He’s got cancer,” Luke says, cracking a wide grin. It vanishes after a second. “That one did bring her faith back to my mom. Now she’s praying everyday. And let’s say she dragged us all with her down into her religion thing.”

                “But, Jack…” Calum begins.

                “Oh, he’s alive, he’s doing fine, really,” Luke nods. “He had to go to the hospital today – nothing too serious, but we went with him, that’s why our Sunday morning was so busy.”

                “You came to see me, though.”

                “I didn’t want you to end up alone here,” Luke says simply.

                Calum looks at the boy’s hands. They’re laced together. Luke doesn’t sound like he wants to be comforted. He doesn’t even sound sad. Calum feels slightly embarrassed as he realizes this, but he’s relieved and grateful. Tears and unconcealed grief tend to make him uncomfortable as he never has the capacity to find the right words. A small, hesitant smile still crosses Luke’s lips. “Thanks,” Calum says. Clumsily, he wraps his arm around his cousin’s shoulders and gives him a brief squeeze. Luke’s eyes widen slightly, just a bit, but enough for it to be noticeable. Calum lets go. But Luke’s fingers, cold fingers, slowly find their way to his hand. “So the candle was for your brother?” Calum asks. Luke nods. Calum looks away. “Okay.”

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                During the days that follow that slightly different meeting, Calum keeps thinking of Luke and of Luke’s family. He had no idea such things were happening. He knows Luke probably wouldn’t like talking about it more than he already has, but his brothers don’t seem to be the only issue there. Calum doesn’t pity Luke. He finds him amazingly brave – almost admirable. Although it’s not perfect everyday for Calum at home, knowing that someone as close to him as Jack is to Luke was slowly dying would be unbearable. Maybe that’s why Luke’s mother, and apparently the rest of his family as well, attach so much importance to religion. It seems like quite a plausible reaction to Calum.

                The next week, as an attempt to do something special, Calum doesn’t go straight to the church and instead goes by the city centre to buy two cups of coffee from a shop he likes. By the time he arrives, the drinks are still warm. He doesn’t really know whether drinking is allowed there, but since practically nobody comes usually, he gives it a try. Luke is back to his normal habits and he sits on a bench, hands on his knees, waiting. When he sees Calum, his face brightens. “Oh, you brought something?” he asks.

                “Coffee,” Calum says. “Hope you like it.”

                “I do,” Luke says with a smile. “Thank you. How much was it?”

                Calum brushes it off. “Nothing.”

                Luke looks like he wants to argue and pay his share but in the end, he doesn’t say anything and takes the cup Calum hands him. That’s when their fingers brush. Calum says, before he realizes, “You’re cold.” Luke looks up at him and he chuckles without replying. “Sorry,” Calum says. Luke smiles even more. Calum feels himself blush with embarrassment from being unable to tell what amuses Luke so much. “How are you?” he asks to change the subject. “How is Jack?”

                “He’s fine,” Luke says. “Thanks for asking.” They have finished their drinks within a few minutes, and Calum puts both the cups into the plastic bag the barista gave him at the shop. Luke is shivering. “I get cold when I’m not holding the cup anymore,” he explains with a laugh when Calum asks him what’s wrong. Calum finds it funny. He playfully scoots over to sit closer to Luke and press himself against him. Luke smells like soap, faintly. Calum grins.

                “Sharing warmth. That’s the penguin strategy,” he says.

                Luke is smiling. “I like penguins.”

                “I like penguins too,” Calum replies. He thinks that maybe, with his black outfit, Luke looks more like a penguin than like a crow, actually. That sounds cuter, too. In a sudden rush of affection, he looks at him and says, “You know what? I’m glad we’re doing this every week. I like spending time with you.” Truly, he never expected that having a cousin, even a third cousin, would be this great. Luke is like both a family member and a friend.

                Luke looks taken aback, but in a pleased way. “So do I,” he says slowly. “So do I.” He presses himself against Calum too, and it makes Calum all warm inside. It feels good. The taste of coffee is still pleasantly strong in his mouth, but he might fall asleep if he stayed there for just a little while longer. He doesn’t exactly know how it happens. One moment, they’re snuggling on the bench, and the next, lips are searching for lips, fingers groping for fingers, stumblingly, and Luke is kissing Calum. It doesn’t last more than a few seconds, which Calum spends trying to understand why his heart is thumping so fast inside his chest. Luke’s eyes are closed, he looks like he’s been dying to do this. Then he pulls away. “Sorry, that sucked,” he mumbles.

                Calum clears his throat. “I…”

                “I gotta go,” Luke says right away. “Thanks for the coffee,” he adds. As he gets up, Calum tries to hold him back, telling him that it’s fine, that it didn’t mean anything and that they just did something silly but nothing serious, but Luke is cracking a fake smile which looks more like a grimace than anything else. “Bye,” he says before stepping away from the bench and heading to the doors of the church. Calum is still sitting. And he doesn’t quite know what to do with his lips now.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol sorry


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eroticism is primarily a religious matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading this! Hope you'll like the chapter :)  
> (Warning: this has sexual content.)

 

 

                It starts the very instant Calum lays his head on his pillow that night. Though he believed the kiss would turn into nothing more than an amusing memory, he finds himself unable to fall asleep. Restless, he curls up underneath the bed sheets, wondering why he keeps tasting his cousin’s lips on his and feeling his fingers brush his cheeks again and again. He enjoyed it, that is a thing he cannot deny. Luke was gentle, curious, but also strangely daring. He may have pretended to regret it, but Calum feels like it was a deliberate act. _Luke wanted to kiss me_ , Calum thinks. And that makes his heart beat very fast.

                The dreams that haunt Calum when he drifts into sleep at last are different from any he’s ever had before. This time, all he sees is a church and Luke, Luke, Luke. Luke smiling, Luke giggling, Luke in his black jacket, Luke lighting a candle, Luke telling stories, Luke. It leaves Calum flushed and confused. But even though he is twenty years old and not a teenager anymore, he knows the way it is. He knows all these feelings were caused by surprise. Thinking it will go away, Calum goes to school as usual – only to find out he has trouble focusing on his lessons, even just a little. And then, the lust comes.

                At first, it’s only a tiny, intrusive thought popping through his mind insidiously in the middle of a philosophy class. With a meticulous precision, this very situation seems to be meant to make him think of Luke and only Luke. The teacher says: _“Part three, inner experience. **Eroticism** is primarily a religious matter and the present work is nearer to “theology” than to scientific or religious history. It seems our arguments must be unfolded within an example…” _ Calum doesn’t enjoy learning philosophy. Breaking down every single fragment of life, reason, thinking, feelings, death, religion, culture, science and beings themselves to understand the meaning of them all scares him deeply. But as the lecturer announces the beginning of this new chapter, the image which comes to him instantly is Luke. Naked. And that’s when Calum knows he’s fucked.

                Calum spends his week feeling guilt creep up in him. They’re cousins. They’re boys. It’s just wrong. He needs to talk to Luke and explain this cannot be. Luke being the one who initiated the kiss, Calum has no doubt he is probably feeling the same things as him. What would their families say? What would that thick, black book on his father’s bedside table say? Calum waits for the next Sunday anxiously. The week goes by slow. And when the day finally comes, Calum feels ready.

                It’s nothing big to say. _Let’s forget about what happened last week. I’m not mad. Let’s just forget._ It’s a chilly and cloudy day, although spring is on its way. Calum hopes Luke will be there. What if he doesn’t come? What if he has decided to stop seeing Calum just because of this? Calum steps through the church gates bashfully, feeling observed. Nobody’s there. Except a little black silhouette sitting on a bench at the other end of the great nave. With golden hair. Calum starts to walk faster. For a reason he ignores, he wants to be finished with this as soon as possible. Luke isn’t moving. He seems to be staring at his feet.

                It all happens so quickly Calum’s plans vanish in a split second. Before he even speaks to Luke, Luke turns around to look at him and he’s getting up and tripping on his way to him and reaching out for him and his fingers are clutching the sleeves of Calum’s jacket and he’s pulling him into a kiss and every single word Calum wanted to say shatters forever. This time, Luke’s lips don’t taste like coffee. They taste like something Calum has never tasted before. He’s clumsy and eager and burning with desire and Calum cannot push him away. Instead he’s kissing him back, lips moving against lips and breaths melting.

                “I want you,” Luke says. “I fucking want you,” he lets out in a choked sob. The curse word slipping out of Luke’s mouth sends a shiver running down Calum’s spine. Luke never swears. All Calum knows is that he wants Luke too. Now. And above all, here. He hates himself for being a boy and for being unable to control himself. In a matter of seconds, they stumble to a hiding spot, behind the church organ. It’s actually in the apse, below beautiful stained-glass windows. They only need to climb a few steps – and they almost fall to the floor – to crash behind the large instrument decorated with silver and gold. There is a sort of alcove in the middle. Calum’s back meets the organ’s wooden one with a muffled sound that seems to fill all of the empty church.

                He’s still standing, dizzy, overwhelmed, when he sees Luke sinking to his knees and reaching up for his belt. His cheeks are flushed, he’s breathing fast. Calum gasps as his jeans are being unbuttoned, unzipped… Then he feels Luke’s hand, Luke’s cold, cold hand, and his mouth, and his mouth is so warm and soft and _Jesus_ \- - Calum closes his eyes.

                There are huge differences between kissing a male, kissing your male cousin, kissing your very religious male cousin, getting a blowjob from your very religious male cousin and getting a blowjob from your very religious male cousin in a church. And Calum is aware of every single one of them. But…Luke… Calum looks down at him and he sees messy hair, closed eyes and red cheeks and he reaches for him, fingers his golden locks, until Luke lets out a moan. “Shit,” Calum curses. Now he’s hard and he wants Luke more than he’s ever wanted anyone. Luke presses his tongue against him and sucks just the right way, clouding his mind with pleasure.

                “Please,” Luke says after a moment.

                Calum breathes in harsh and he desperaretly tries to get a grip on himself. “We can’t…do this here, Luke,” he stammers.

                “Yes, we can,” Luke replies. Without another word, he grabs Calum’s shirt and tugs at it repeatedly until Calum sits down on the floor. Even through his jeans, he feels the cold and shivers. Luke is doing everything, he’s kissing his neck, nibbling, biting here and there, nuzzling Calum everywhere. Calum sits still and stares. Luke seems to become aware of the tension and he looks up. His irises almost don’t seem blue anymore, completely erased by black, dilated pupils. Breathless, he caresses Calum’s cheek. “It’s okay,” he whispers. And that’s when Calum notices how terrified he looks. Luke seems like he might go to pieces at any second. Somehow, Calum decides he has to act too or he’ll lose him.

                “Yes,” he says. “It’s okay.” Luke nods as if he wanted to convince himself of it, and slowly, he puts his lips against Calum’s again, giving him a soft kiss. Calum’s hands find their way to his cousin’s jaw and he cups his face, rubbing his index finger under his ear repeatedly. Luke is writhing. He was cold; he is warm now. Almost. Calum takes control of the situation. He puts Luke’s jacket off his shoulders and lets it slide to the floor, then pulls his t-shirt to the side until it reveals his shoulder and places a kiss there, right on top of it. Luke groans happily. “Quiet,” Calum murmurs. Luke nods. And Calum doesn’t know why, but this makes him feel strangely good. “Will you do what I ask you?” he says.

                “Yes,” Luke breathes. “I will.”

                “Good,” Calum says. “Come here, take that off,” he adds, unzipping Luke’s black jeans and pulling them down along his legs. As soon as he goes pantless, Luke begins to tremble with cold. But he presses himself against Calum again, kissing him and touching him everywhere. Calum’s head hits the back of the organ, hard and loud. “Ow, fuck.” Just thinking they’re hooking up in a corner of the church makes him feel like his heart is about to explode. What if someone hears them? What situation in the world could be worse than this? Calum cannot believe how Luke, going-to-church-every-Sunday Luke is, in the blink of an eye, throwing away all the most important rules he should be abiding by. He isn’t done thinking about this yet when Luke wraps his fingers around him again and starts touching him. Calum’s breath hitches.

                “Like that?” Luke asks in his ear. Calum says yes, yes, yes. More. A satisfied smile forms on Luke’s lips. His fingers are moving in such a way Calum wonders where he learnt to do it. That’s definitely something he would never have come close to imagining even for a second. Luke tastes amazing, too. Little sounds are made by their mouths playing together, which they try to silence the best they can, failing every time. Calum really hopes that no one in the church focuses enough on what surrounds them to hear that. “Calum,” Luke says, out of breath, “Calum, please.”

                “Don’t – don’t have a condom,” Calum manages to reply.

                “I don’t care, do it, please do it…” Luke begs. He sounds like he’d be willing to take anything in any way right now. Calum’s legs feel weak. Luke is taking off his underwear hastily, tossing it on the floor, tensing up whenever his skin brushes the ice cold stones. Calum grabs him, picks him up and puts him down on his lap. Straddling him, his cousin rests both his hands on his shoulders, looking at him. Looking at him like this is the thing he wants the most in the world. And like the second thing he wants the most is for it to be over. Calum kisses him on the neck.

                As he pushes one finger into him, he hears Luke let out a groan. He seems to be cursing and wishing for God knows what. Calum says nothing. He thinks about Luke’s hands on his chest and Luke’s irregular breathing, and tries to please him. Even if with every move he makes, he’s got the feeling he’s getting one step closer to hell. Calum moves his fingers in circles, inside Luke who is tight, tight and so warm. At first, nothing changes but after a while, Luke gasps in the middle of a kiss and breaks it. He buries his face in Calum’s neck, his fingers gripping his cousin’s shirt tighter than before. Calum goes on, quickly adding a second then a third finger.

                In the end, they’re both so eager and so frightened they might get caught that Calum takes his hand back sooner than he should have, Luke saying he’ll be fine. He presses Calum against the back of the organ firmly so that he doesn’t move, and he lowers himself upon him, teeth biting his lip and hands clenching. As soon as Calum enters him, he knows this is the exact moment he’s beginning to seriously fuck up his life. Luke’s already moving, slowly, not much, but enough to make Calum’s entire body pulse with pleasure. It’s all rushed, rough, painful, uncomfortable. But it feels so good.

                It takes Luke a few minutes to open his eyes again and to set a pace. Calum searches for ways to make his pain go away. He tries, sucking hickeys on his neck, on his collarbones, kissing his wrists… He finds out fondling Luke’s hips make him let out all sorts of sounds. Calum’s hands slip under the golden-haired boy’s shirt, brushing his stomach then getting closer to his back – only to be snapped away. “Not there,” Luke says. “Do it like before,” he commands. Calum freezes. Luke’s words taste sour and dry. He blinks a few times, not quite able to understand. “Do it,” Luke repeats. Calum complies.

                While he strokes Luke’s hips, tracing invisible patters around his hipbones, he replays his phrases in his head. _Do it like before. Do it. Not there. Like before. Do it._ Luke goes from flustered to desperate, from desperate to daring, from daring to vulnerable and from vulnerable to demanding within seconds. Calum thought he knew him, after all these weeks, and it turns out he doesn’t. Seeing Luke from this new angle, as a sexual partner, is a whole different thing. No dreams compare to that. And no dreams compare to the way Luke’s hair has turned into a blonde mess, to the way his cheeks are tinged with red, to the way his thighs rest on either side of Calum, or to the way he whimpers low every time he moves. This is reality.

                Luke gets tired after a moment and Calum takes hold of him, bringing him down harder, fingers digging into thighs. “I’ve wanted this…you – ever since last week, when you…” he stammers. Luke nods several times, very fast, too caught up to utter a word. “Oh my God, fuck.” Calum sees Luke look up at him. The boy presses his hand against his cousin’s mouth, silencing him. When Calum realizes what he’s done, it’s a bit too late. Luke removes his hand when Calum sits still again, and he kisses his lips. It’s sweet, without a doubt, but maybe slightly colder than before.

                “Don’t do that again,” he whispers. “Quiet, remember?” Calum swallows with difficulty. Luke is back to pushing himself up and down, kissing Calum’s right cheek with softness again. Calum doesn’t dare speak anymore. There’s something enticing, fascinating, about the way Luke talks to him. He doesn’t have time to think about it for real, though. Luke is bringing him closer to coming little by little, but faster and faster. He’s losing his rhythm and his hips are stuttering and he’s shaking and breathless and messy, but this is so good. Calum feels like Luke is undoing a knot inside him, untangling things and giving him a release.

                It’s not long before Luke makes Calum come and as he does, he kisses him silent, muffling his moans and his gasps. It’s like Calum dissolves into Luke, feeling only him and thinking only of him. Luke is the only thing that matters in that moment. Luke is holding him, gently, comfortingly, until he recovers his senses. Though lazily, Calum wraps his fingers around his cousin's erection, strokes him, caresses him, earning groans and little cries. Luke is so close and suddenly he's releasing into Calum's hand, silencing a cry with his hand. He looks gorgeous. He's holding Calum's wrist very tight, so tight it's painful. But Calum lets him. He waits until Luke's inhales and exhales are soothed, until he clenches and starts no more, until he goes quiet. And he kisses him softly.

                He isn’t the one opening his arms, Luke is. He pulls Calum into a tight embrace, nuzzling his neck and slipping his fingers through his hair. Calum closes his eyes. He is exhausted. Luke whispers things to him but he doesn’t understand. It feels good, though. Calum feels good. He feels protected, secure, he feels like Luke is there just for him. For a while, he forgets they’re both half-naked, sprawled behind a church organ.

                Then, when the rush of adrenaline fades away, the fear comes crawling back. Calum feels it within him, and within Luke too. His cousin’s embrace goes from affectionate to desperate, and his fingers dig more and more into Calum’s shoulder blades at every minute. “Are you okay?” Calum asks in hushed tones. Luke nods without a word. Calum pulls away from him and helps him get dressed. They make sure not to leave mess behind the organ, using tissues. Then, after checking nobody will see them sneak out of their hiding spot, they climb down the few steps to reach the nave and the rows of benches.

                Luke walks in an awkward, painful way. He tells Calum he wants to stay here alone for a moment. Calum refuses and asks him to go now. Luke struggles and tries to pull away but Calum holds his hand too tight and doesn’t let him go. Luke stops moving and he just stands there, not moving. Calum sees he looks sad. Feeling amazingly guilty, he comes to him again and wraps his arms around him, then walks him out of the church. In that brief lapse of time, Luke seems to get a grip on himself and when Calum looks at him again, he’s back to his collected attitude.

                Calum doesn’t even have to think twice before he speaks up. “Can we meet up more often? Once a week isn’t enough,” he says.

                Luke blinks and shrugs. “Why?” he asks.

                “I need you, Luke,” Calum pleads. He wants this again, and again and again. He wants Luke. Outside the church, a gentle wind is blowing. Luke’s golden hair waves harmoniously. He’s a little black bird with blonde feathers on his head. And Calum loves him.

                “We can’t,” Luke breathes.

                “Why?” Calum echoes him.

                Luke smiles. “Because what we do is a sin.”

                He leans in, presses a delicate kiss on Calum’s cheek, caresses his hand for a second, then he lets go and walks away. Calum is left with a beating heart, a heavy head and a lump in his throat.

                The week after, he goes back to the church with nervous expectations. He isn’t disappointed. Maybe his back will get used to the cold wood after a while.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well let's hope it will


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of games and sins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY so I've been wanting to say this in a long time:  
> This fic isn't meant to offend anyone and if you do feel offended or if you feel like this is making you uncomfortable in any way, please message me or tell me. I apologize in advance.  
> But - enjoy reading!

 

 

                Calum feels like he experiencing one of the most overwhelming and intense things in his life. His relationship with Luke is a long series of breaking rules and doing things that are wrong but he loves it. Luke is attractive, mysterious, inconstant, but in a beautiful way.

                But there’s something else. Something that awoke inside Calum while Luke and he were together that day. It’s a strange feeling – there were moments in which a strong desire to control Luke was seizing him: he wanted to dictate every single one of his moves, to have him begging for more, moaning and crying, and there were moments when on the contrary, he felt like being controlled: he wanted Luke’s arms around him, Luke telling him to behave, to do this, to do that, now, to be a good boy and to pray. Calum doesn’t know what he wants. There is a sea of things he craves for inside his mind, but it is rough and heavy and frightening.

                For several weeks, Calum meets Luke in the church and they hide behind the organ to have sex. Somehow, miraculously, no one ever seems to hear or see them. Calum cannot get enough of Luke's touch. Luke's fingers burn his skin like an iced fire and his lips feel like velvet. He begs him to come home with him, to skip school sometimes to be alone in his room or even just to take a walk in town. But Luke says no to everything. Even when the dreams come.

                Calum wakes up in the middle of the night, at home, from such a vivid and realistic dream that for several seconds, he thinks that Luke really is lying next to him under the sheets, without clothes, and his beautiful blue eyes are glowing. He shuts his eyes, imagines what happens next effortlessly, and within minutes, the mere images of Luke he pictures in his head and the sounds he recalls are enough to make him cry out his cousin's name into his pillow. His hands are dirty. A violent nausea creeps up in him as he realizes what he was doing. And his family is sleeping in the other bedrooms, with just walls and doors to separate them. Calum gets up and rushes to the toilets where he throws up last night's dinner. When he comes back to bed, for the first time in months, he prays. _Forgive me father, for I have sinned..._

                Somehow, Calum thinks Luke knows about the dreams. When they see each other after a whole week, he always gives Calum a look, the kind of look that says _I know what you've been thinking of_. He gets it. And he seems to decide to help. After a particularly agitated meeting, Calum has a lazy week. He skips school on Monday and Tuesday, pretending he is sick, and stays at home. It was worth it. Something he had never imagined happens to him: he gets a letter from Luke. By mail. It's an actual letter, with an envelope, a stamp, written on beautiful white paper. Luke has a messy but lively handwriting. His words set Calum on fire.

                _I know what you’re going through. I just couldn’t find a way to tell you. I wish I could say it out loud instead of writing a letter, but it’s too difficult and I can’t speak._

_I think of you every day and I dream of you every night. Is that wrong? And even when only a memory of you crosses my mind, it’s not enough. I want to be with you, kiss your lips, breathe you in. You smell like leather, Calum. And like coffee, too.       When we’re together behind the organ…that’s when I feel the best. Every week I wait for that moment to come._

_I love you, Calum._

_I want you to hurt me._

                These last six words are engraved in Calum's mind like carvings on skin. Luke’s writing style is pulsing with feelings. He doesn't reply to the letter and instead waits for Sunday to come. When it does, he goes to church a usual, and bites his lip when he sees Luke on his bench. He has a black t-shirt on, and no jacket. Despite the grey clouds, it's quite warm outside. As soon as Calum reaches him, he grabs him by the collar and drags him behind the organ firmly. "Do you have any idea – any idea what you've been doing to me?" he hisses. Luke looks at him without a word, expressionless. "Fuck," Calum curses, leaning in to kiss his lips.

                He pushes him against the organ minutes later. Luke turns his back to him, and he goes down on his knees, hands pressed against the wood. Calum nibbles at his neck. "Not like that," Luke says. "I want to face you." He tries to turn around but Calum pushes him back to his previous position. The boy strugges briefly but in the end, he gives in. Calum pulls his cousin's jeans and underwear off him and bends down, pressing whispers of love on his butt then starting to kiss his entrance. Instantly, Luke cries out a curse. "Please, Calum, don't," he begs. Calum carries on, ignoring him. The resistance he gets from Luke is thrilling. He fingers him fast and hard afterwards, until Luke is reduced to a whimpering mess begging for Calum to fuck him.

                Calum loves it. He loves seeing him like this, so different from the cold act he pulls on all the time. He pushes himself into him and watches him squirm and shake. Then he begins to thrust in and out of him, enjoying how good it feels. Calum doesn't expect it to last long. The buttons of Luke's shirt are almost all undone and Calum only has to tug at it to pull the item off Luke's shoulders. But surprisingly, Luke holds on to it and doesn't let go. "Wanna see your skin," Calum says.

                "I'm not taking it off," Luke snaps. "Don't – " he begins, but his shirt is already on the floor and Calum is moving no more.

                There are moments in life when you see something so unsettling and unexpected that all the kinds of reactions you might possibly have had vanish and leave you unable to do anything. This moment is one of those. Calum rests his hands on Luke's hips and just stares. Just stares at the bruises on Luke's white back. There are tens, hundreds of them. Some are big, some are small. Some are blue, some are a dark shade of purple, some have faded to a sick yellow. Calum brushes them with his fingertips and Luke shivers. He pulls away, picks up his shirt off the floor and puts it back on.

                Calum understands there is nothing to be said about what he saw. Or rather that he is to say nothing. Luke kisses his lips and he closes his eyes. In Calum’s belly, a fire burns. Hatred. For Luke's family.

                They finish quickly and emotionlessly then it's time to go home. Calum doesn't want to. He wants to keep Luke with him, his cold hands and his blue eyes. He wants to hug him all night and listen to his cries and sobs, dry his tears and kiss him everywhere. But Luke has to leave. With a pained heart, Calum watches him go, and he wonders why people had to raise their hand to such a fascinating person.

                Luke is a passionate lover. Calum learns this with time. Spring begins and with it, warmer days. Sometimes, when they are in the church, a few people are there, sitting on the benches or strolling between the colums to gaze at the stained-glass windows. This doesn't make Calum and Luke feel worried for long. It turns out that with the doors that remain open when it's sunny outside, the sounds coming from the street are enough to break the silence. They surely won't be heard. And knowing some people are so close adds an undeniable thrill to the situation. When they get used to sleeping together and have discovered every way to please each other, Luke seems to lose something of a restraint which was holding him back. He lets it all out.

                They keep sending letters to each other. Their words are full to bursting with desire and affection, and there isn't a single time when opening an envelope doesn't make Calum's heart race. He keeps them in a document holder under his pillow. This is the perfect way for them to speak out everything they silence when they are physically together. _I love you_ , Calum reads in Luke's letters. _I wish to be with you forever. I dream of you at night and when I wake up, all I want is to touch you. I love you, Calum._

                There is one particular day when he receives one that says _I have a surprise for Sunday_. Calum doesn’t have time to reply to him before the day comes and he decides to wait. He doesn’t know what to expect from Luke. Instead of seeing him sitting on the bench, facing the apse, when he enters the church, Luke is gazing at the entrance gates and he grins when Calum arrives. Calum comes to him, sits by his side, and they speak quietly. “I’ve got something sweet,” Luke says. He smiles. There is a lady sitting a few benches further and a father and his daughter near the entrance and they wait for them to leave. It takes a couple minutes. Then Luke takes Calum’s hand and quickly, they slip behind the large organ.

                Calum hasn’t seen him so enthusiastic in a long time. Luke kneels down on the floor and opens his bag, taking out a camera. A Polaroid camera. “What are you gonna do with this?” Calum asks him.

                “Come here,” Luke says. “I want memories.”

                On the orders of Luke, Calum takes off his jacket and sits on his usual spot against the back of the organ. Luke turns on his camera and looks at him. Curiously, Calum waits. Before he starts taking pictures, Luke kisses him. It’s soft, slow. It almost feels like they’re just two lovers having a private moment – somewhere else than here. Then Luke parts from him and he raises the camera to his right eye. Calum doesn’t move. The little item makes a crunching sound, then, after a few seconds, it prints the picture. Luke grabs it, takes a look at it, and smiles, satisfied.

                He keeps taking pictures as he undresses Calum, pictures of his neck before a hickey, pictures of his neck after a hickey, pictures of his shoulders, his arms, his chest, pictures of his legs, his hands, of all of his body. He takes pictures of the two of them kissing, hugging, and doing more intimate things, too. Calum likes the game. When he’s in Luke, he sees him close his eyes briefly and he playfully snatches the camera from him. He shoots him from the bottom to the top, every inch of his skin, until he’s certain with all of these pictures, he’ll have sweet dreams at night. Luke pretends not to like posing but he does. Calum sees what it does to him. He sees it makes him feel appreciated, wanted. Luke likes being gazed upon.

                Of course, a moment comes when neither of them can concentrate anymore – at least, not enough to hold the camera – and Calum puts it down on the floor, where it stays until they’ve finished. He holds Luke in his arms, listening to him breathing low. There are almost fifty Polaroid pictures around them and he lazily gathers them, smiling when he sees the best ones. “I love that,” he says. Luke smiles, eyes closed, and keeps kissing his neck. Calum feels good.

                “I wanna spend time with you today,” Luke says after a while. His voice sounds muffled and soft.

                “Really?” Calum replies. This is surprising, given ever since they started meeting up every Sunday, Luke has never stayed with him even for a second longer than it was necessary.

                “My parents aren’t at home today,” Luke smiles. “I can go back later. Jack won’t tell them.”

                “Okay,” Calum says. “Where do you wanna go?”

                “In the garden behind the church,” Luke answers. “It’s warm outside.”

                “Get dressed.”

                The garden is actually a graveyard, but there are more trees than graves in it. Calum has never been there, he’s just looked at it from afar a few times. As usual, they check nobody sees them walking away from the organ, then they go outside. Luke was right; the clouds have taken on a lighter shade of grey and the wind feels warm on their skin. To reach the graveyard, they go round the church, walk through a small black gate, then along a bumpy path. There is grass beside it, and bushes and small trees. They find a nice and comfortable clear area to sit on the ground but quickly, Luke pulls his cousin into an embrace and lies in the grass, bringing Calum down with him.

                Calum smiles. Luke looks pretty. But he still feels curious. About what happened, what’s happening and he doesn’t know…he doesn’t know… “How do you feel?” he asks.

                Luke shrugs. “I’m fine.”

                “That one week,” Calum carries on, brushing strands of blonde hair off Luke’s forehead, “when we first… Why did you say it was a sin?”

                “Because it is,” Luke replies sceptically.

                “Really? That’s what you think?”

                Luke breaks away from him and he sits up. “I don’t know,” he answers. _That’s what_ they _would say_ , Calum hears in his silence. “I was born like that. I was told boys who liked boys were wrong and mistaken. I don’t think I’m mistaken. It feels right. I feel…right. And I’m not hurting anybody. Why should I feel guilty? Why should we feel guitly?” He looks at Calum. “I have no idea. I think… I think in religion, there’s a lot of bullshit.” Instantly, he looks down and nibbles at his lip, as if he felt bad for saying such a thing. “I love you, can’t help it,” he says in the end, quietly.

                “But…” Calum encourages him, feeling there’s something more Luke wants to say.

                “But we’re cousins,” Luke grimaces. “Sure, we’re third cousins, we don’t even share that much DNA. And we’re not having any kids, right?” he laughs nervously. “I think it’s frightening how the very moment there’s a _Cousin_ sign – like a, a nametag plastered on your forehead, I can’t love you the way I want. _That’s Calum, your cousin, Luke._ If nobody had told us about it, if nobody knew we were related…there would be no ban. I don’t…I just don’t get it.” He starts running his fingers through the blades of grass, playing with them lazily. “Language and social identities make a lot of things impossible.”

                Social rules aren’t the only barrier between them. Calum knows religion is still there, quiet but heavy. He often wonders how come nowadays people can still truly believe in God. Doesn’t science prove everything wrong? Calum sees religion as something for people to hold on to. It’s sad, in a way. But not only. What is religion? Hard to define. Believing, in the first place. But there are _the rules_ , too. They were probably meant to keep people in control – it’s an illusion, really. Calum finds it unsettling how some men or women believe that if they behave in a precise way, everything will be well. He doesn’t want to be like this. Yet his family is deep in it, and Luke’s is even more.

                Calum sighs. He can’t find the right words to say all he wants to say. Softly, he slips his hand underneath Luke’s shirt and strokes his back. Luke shivers. But he doesn’t push him away. Calum wonders if the bruises are still there, on his skin. Probably. Maybe they’ve all turned orange and yellow. Maybe there are new ones. He feels like a coward but doesn’t ask him about it. Anyway, he knows Luke wouldn’t have answered.

                “Do you know what your name means?” Luke asks after a while, with a little smile crossing his lips. Calum shakes his head. “That’s a Scottish thing. You’ve got the name of a saint,” Luke says. “I could call you Colombe or Columba, it would be the same thing in another language,” he chuckles. “I think you’ve got a pretty name.”

                “What does it mean, then?” Calum asks curiously.

                Luke laughs for real this time. “Dove,” he says.

                “Oh.”

                “Your parents never told you?”

                “No,” Calum says. “That’s a nice name, I guess.”

                “Yeah,” Luke smiles. “My name means light. Luke, Lucas, Luc, Lucina for girls – it’s all the same. It’s not that original,” he says. “Guess my parents thought I’d be the light of the family. Not very accurate.” Quickly, he cups Calum’s face with his left hand and kisses him. “Hug me?”

                There’s one thing Calum notices as they spend time in the graveyard. Luke isn’t happy. He feels it. There’s something in him, almost unnoticeable, that is sad. Calum doesn’t know where it comes from. He doesn’t even know if Luke himself knows where it comes from. It’s just there, under the surface. Time passes and the two of them act as if it didn’t exist. During the summer holidays, Calum goes on a trip with his family then spends a week at a friend’s in another city. Luke stays at home. They keep sending letters to each other. It has a different dimension from texts or emails. Sometimes Calum will open an envelope and find, as well as a letter, a Polaroid picture of Luke.

                After the holidays, meeting Luke again feels like nothing else in the world. Things start to change. Maybe it is because they were apart for a long time, maybe because Luke is different – his touch feels hotter, harder. There are times when he has to press his hand tight against Calum’s mouth to silence his screams. His fingers dig into his skin, painfully, but just the right way. Sometimes, Calum hits him. Sometimes, Luke starts crying quietly. He whispers words to him, words of love, or words from verses of the Bible. And Calum understands.

                He wants Luke to get a grip on him, to handle him, to teach him the right ways and the right words. He wants him to speak endlessly, to ask questions, to know everything, his secrets, his flaws, his thoughts and his fantasies, his passions and desires. He wants Luke to command him to be well. Luke’s embrace is steady, comforting. Reassuring. Calum loves it.

                But at the same time, he wants to control Luke. He wants to clutch him, fuck him, see him wrecked, crying, he wants to enter his mind and play with it. Feel Luke’s cold, milky skin under his fingertips. Breathe in his scent. Tease his bruises and the wounds in his heart. In order to mend him eventually, first, Calum wants to break Luke.

                Calum is aware that despite his stoic, emotionless appearance, despite his cunning smiles, Luke would be easy to break. He knows it. He _feels_ it. Just like glass, Calum imagines his bones shattering and his faked happiness falling and his faith crumbling to pieces. He wants to see his mind cracking. Then he’ll pick him up and fix him. Calum is in love with his cousin. Desperately in love. But this little domination game feels thrilling. Calum wants to play. He will have Luke broken. He will break him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading, I'd be super super happy if you left feedback :)


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One goes and feelings change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update on Wednesday! I have so many tests at school ugh  
> Anyway hope you'll like this :)

 

 

                Jack Hemmings passes away on the 3rd of December.

                For the second time in barely more than one year, Calum finds himself attending a funeral. Only this time, this is a whole different situation. He didn’t know Jack. He had never talked to him in person. But burying someone who hadn’t even turned twenty-five yet breaks hearts like nothing else in the world. The day of their great-grandfather’s funeral, the church was filled with low crying sounds. Today, the silence is deafening. Calum sits far from Luke and he sees him at the front row, frozen on his bench, pale as a sheet. Even his hair seems to have lost its gorgeous golden colour.

                Everything goes wrong. The mass, the music, the speeches. The priest makes mistakes, loses control, shakes. The organ sounds like it’s broken. The family members and friends are far too wrecked to speak. Only Luke manages to let out a few phrases once, even though his words sound like he might shatter like crystal at any second. His mother looks ruined. Calum watches her husband hold her against his body, and even if he knows they’ve hurt Luke many times, he can only feel endlessly sorry for them. Losing one son is the greatest pain he can imagine. Losing a second son…that he doesn’t want to imagine.

                Luke had told him his brother hadn’t been well during the past weeks. Although the doctors and his family believed he had gotten better, it wasn’t the case and his strength had plummeted until he couldn’t live anymore. Everyone in the church knows it’s all wrong. He was not supposed to die that young. No one is supposed to die that young. While people were keeping it all inside at the beginning of the ceremony, Luke speaking up in front of everyone is like a trigger making it all burst out and every person present in the church begins to sob. He’s not just Ben and Jack’s little brother. He’s the last one left.

                All Calum wants to do is step to him and wrap him in his arms, hold him tight until they’re not crying anymore, and stay with him forever, far away from the rest of the world. This ceremony lasts way too long. It is unbearable pain to everyone. Mrs. Hemmings breaks down at the very end and Calum swears their whole family could drown in her tears as she crosses herself and caresses the wood of her son’s casket. It all seems unreal, twisted, cruel. Calum has trouble breathing.

                Not being a close relative, he’s among the last ones to walk out of the church. Luke was ahead of him but now he’s standing frozen in a random spot, looking like he’s about to throw up. There are times when someone looks so sad that everyone gathers round to comfort them. And there are times when someone looks so immensely sad that no one dares come near. It’s not hard guessing what Luke looks like now. Calum is the only one walking up to him and as soon as he pulls him into a gentle embrace, his cousin dissolves into tears, letting out not only the grief of his brother’s death, but also what he’s been keeping inside for months and months. He cries, he cries and he cries and Calum starts crying too. That’s definitely a moment when no one will approach them.

                In the end, after so long Calum wonders how come the sun hasn’t set yet, they manage to find strength to go outside. Luke doesn’t let go of him. He’s gripping Calum’s wrist so tight he might break it but Calum doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the fact they’re surrounded by their whole family because right now, there’s only Luke, him, and pain. They run away to a quiet corner, lean against the huge stone wall, and Luke cries again, sobbing, hiccupping, and it will never end.

                Calum hears about one of the members of the church staff telling Celeste, Jack’s girlfriend of several years, that he had never seen the church so full of people. Obviously, he meant to speak about how loved the young man was, but Celeste loses her temper in front of everybody, yelling and crying.

                “Of course the church is full! He wasn’t even twenty-five yet! When you die and you’re ninety years old, all your friends are already dead! When you die and you’re as young as Jack was, _everyone_ is left behind! **_Everyone_** _!_ ”

                It all spirals down as she starts screaming and weeping, her parents have to comfort her and take her away, her sobs make Calum’s blood run cold. Some family members he doesn’t know whisper about a curse on Luke’s family. He doesn’t want to hear about it. Luke is the last son left.

                The ceremony in the cemetery goes in a blur. Luke has turned into a black and white silhouette. The December weather pierces through Calum’s clothes and through his skin like blades. He stands by Luke’s side, holding him. Luke isn’t crying anymore. He doesn’t even look like he’s still there. After it’s over, there is a luncheon at Luke’s family’s place but unlike the previous year, most of the family doesn’t go. Only the closest do. Calum’s family doesn’t but he goes without them. He physically isn’t able to leave Luke.

                The grief doesn’t go away at lunch today. Of course, Luke isn’t hungry. Not that anyone really is. As soon as they can, they go upstairs to Luke’s bedroom. Luke collapses on his bed and Calum follows him, lying next to him, wrapping his arm around his waist. The boy is crying again, but quietly this time. Calum holds him until he isn’t and when Luke drifts into sleep, exhausted, he runs his fingers through his hair, waiting for its golden colour to glow as bright as before again.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                Luke is obviously the type of person who drowns his sorrow in physical contact. Calum gets no letter from him that week, of course, but they do meet up in church on the following Sunday. He was planning to speak to him calmly and just to spend quiet time together but as soon as he walks up to him, Luke takes his hand, pulls him behind the organ harshly and fucks him like never before.

                The boy starts to cry mere seconds after they’ve finished and he collapses in Calum’s arms, shaking a little. Calum knows Jack and he were quite close. Maybe Luke was very much aware his brother wouldn’t last forever. Calum gets him dressed so that he doesn’t feel cold. “It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers. “I love you.” Luke doesn’t say anything but he tightens his grip around him. Calum watches him. A strange, sickening feeling makes his lower stomach uncomfortable and he closes his eyes.

                It’s the same feeling as on the day of the funeral. Seeing Luke so upset makes him sad. But it also brings pleasure to him. That’s it, Luke is starting to break in front of him. Isn’t that what Calum wanted to see? Paradoxically, Calum loves him more and more everyday, but his grief is getting more and more fascinating to observe. Calum feels like their relationship lacks a climax, a jolt. He want to have Luke, to possess him, the whole of him, not just his body. He wants Luke to be his and he wants to be Luke’s. What an insane thing to be thinking of while Luke is holding him so tight.

                But it does happen eventually. Luke doesn’t text Calum often. He prefers, by far, writing letters. So when Calum’s phone buzzes in the middle of the night, he doesn’t react as dynamically as when he rips open an envelope. But as soon as he sees Luke’s name displayed, his heart races as he realizes something important is happening.

_I need to see you now._

_Where?_

_Chapel behind the church. It’s open at night._

_That’s a bad idea, Luke._

_I don’t care. I need you. Be there._

                And Calum understands he has to go. He has never done that before – sneaking out at night. He gets dressed, leaves his bedroom and climbs down the stairs as quietly as possible, slips into his jacket and gets out of his house, locking the door again after he closes it. He hopes his parents won’t notice he is away, and gets going. It takes him fifteen minutes to reach the church. The night is cold, so cold he’s almost shaking, and it’s black as coal. Calum feels scared outside, of the silence and the strange shadows cast by the street lights. But when he arrives, from afar, he sees a light. The chapel is, unlike the church, open day and night. Calum knows it’s something quite rare nowadays. He walks through the little graveyard, and enters it.

                It’s a small building, with many less benches than in the church. There are stained-glass windows as well, but they’re smaller, and there isn’t any organ or any statue, only a secondary altar. But somehow, it doesn’t fail to impress Calum one bit. It feels much more intimate. Luke seems to have been waiting for him. He stands up and walks to Calum, kissing him softly as greetings. Calum instinctively wraps his arms around him. This time, they really are alone. Nobody will come and see them. It makes it all much comfortable and relaxing. Until Luke starts speaking. “Remember the very first letter I sent you?” he murmurs.

                Calum looks at him. Then it comes back. And it takes his breath away.

                _I want you to hurt me._

“Luke – ” he begins.

                “Do it,” Luke breathes.

                That's when Calum sees how fast he can lose control. He pulls Luke into another kiss, a much deeper one. Luke's fingers on his shoulders tense up faintly. He lets out a moan when Calum picks him up and carries him along the rows of benches, stumbling towards the altar. He undresses him at the same time, tossing his jacket, his shirt and his shoes on the floor. There are candles, flowers and a Bible on it – Calum pushes it all away. Luke's back hits the altar with a muffled sound. "Calum," he calls, whimpering. "Quick, please, I need you..." Calum doesn't have to be told twice. He takes hold of Luke's wrists and squeezes tight, so tight he wonders why his bones aren’t breaking yet.

                Luke is desperate and begging to be touched. He cries out when Calum unbuckles his belt and pulls his jeans down his legs. Then Calum pushes two fingers into him, moving them in and out, watching him squirm and tremble. It's an extremely arousing sight. Calum thinks that in the past weeks, maybe due to his sorrow, Luke has become a different person. He's hard within minutes and doesn't take more time to prepare Luke; as soon as he's ready, Calum unzips his pants and takes him, sighing when Luke scratches his back harshly in pain. "Oh God, oh fuck, so good, Calum..." his cousin stammers.

                "You're being bad, Luke," Calum says, bending down to suck at Luke's neck while he pounds into him. "Speaking like this…"

                "I know," Luke says. His voice is cracking.

                "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

                Luke gasps after a particularly hard thrust. "Can't help it," he whimpers.

                It goes on and on. Luke is a mess that night. Calum has to fuck him rough and fuck him good to make him go quiet at last. But then Luke is sobbing and asking for it again, saying he wants to forget everything and he needs it, he needs it, he needs him. Calum doesn't know how he does it, but Luke makes him hit him. Luke’s fingernails leave burning traces on Calum’s back, and on Luke's shoulders, bruises flower one after the other, red and purple. Calum feels horrible for daring to even lay a finger on him in such a way. The adrenaline is too strong and Luke's cries could make him do anything. "I'm sorry," Luke keeps saying low. "I'm sorry." Calum knows he's not speaking to him and he doesn't answer anything, leaving him be. It's all very confused and blurred.

                "Tell me your sins," Luke breathes in his ear once. And Calum lets it all out. He tells him everything, the guilt, the passion, the nights spend crying out his name, his never-ending desire to hurt him, he tells it all. Even the secrets he thought he would never speak of out loud. And Luke forgives him. He understands. He just does. “Do you touch yourself when you miss me?” he asks gently. Calum nods. "Will you seek to be pure in your thoughts, words and actions from now on?" Luke says into Calum's ear, stroking his shoulders. He's close to coming but still finds reason and capacity to speak softly.

                "I will," Calum says.

                "Will you engage in impure acts by yourself?"

                "I won't," Calum groans. Luke kisses his lips. Every time he slams into him, Calum strokes him and now Luke can't speak. He's letting out all sorts of sounds of pleasure, from moans to sighs, and clenches under Calum's touch.

                "Harder," he pleads. "Oh -- yes, like that," he says when Calum does as he is told. "Oh yes! Calum!" It isn't long before the boy comes again and he holds tight onto Calum, who keeps moving within him until he releases as well. It's terrible. Luke is crying softly, he's dirty, and Calum feels like he'll never be able to come back to reality after this. It takes him a lot of effort to lie on the altar next to Luke. The flowers rest on the floor, in a white mess. His wish seems to have come true. Luke is wrecked. Red cheeks, tangled hair, crying eyes. His clothes are scattered everywhere and he's not moving. Calum wraps his arm around him. Luke's broken now. And he belongs to him.

                They stay on the altar for a long time before Luke manages to get up. After cleaning up the best they can, they leave the chapel. Calum can't quite define whether Luke looks sick or sleepy. They part after walking past the church. Their last kiss is awkward, full of shame and guilt and Calum swears he sees Luke cross himself afterwards. Painfully, he whispers goodbye and walks away.

                Calum doesn't feel well when he opens the front door of his house and steps in quietly. Memories of Luke's cries and sobs and of the bruises on his skin keep harassing his mind. He knows it will be a sleepless night. He takes off his shoes, looks up – and almost screams when he sees Mali-koa sitting on a step of the stairs, looking at him. She's wearing her night clothes, and looks concerned but suspicious. "Where were you, Calum?" she asks in an aggressive whisper. "It's four a.m.!"

                "I was...I was..." Calum groans, his voice cracking. For a second, he feels like telling her the truth, telling her everything. She's his sister, after all. Calum feels desperately alone. Who else than Mali, beautiful Mali, could listen to him? But Calum knows he can't do it. He has no idea whether Mali-koa believes in God for real, if she hears the Lord speak to her sometimes. Maybe she doesn’t have faith. Maybe she does. One thing is sure: she wouldn't accept Calum as he is. Not when he's been loving his cousin for so long and fucking him at church. Not when he's like that. Calum gives up. "I saw a girl," he lies. "From school. Please leave me alone."

                "Four a.m. isn't okay, you idiot," his sister replies before she heads back to her bedroom, quietly angry. Calum waits before going upstairs. When he does, everything is quiet. Her sister is back in bed and his parents haven’t woken up. He undresses and slips underneath the sheets, then lies awake for several hours until his eyes close at last and he drifts into agitated sleep.

                His encounter with his sister last night seems to have had an impact on Calum. He wakes up in the morning in a new state of mind. And he knows. He knows this has lasted too long. He can’t keep it inside anymore. The thought of crossing lines, breaking rules, doing things that were forbidden, having a religiously impure love felt thrilling once, but now it makes his heart feel way too heavy. Calum wants to tell his family and Luke’s about the two of them. He’s aware there will be consequences, but now he doesn’t care. They’ve gone too far, done unhealthy things. He wants calm, quiet love. Releasing the inner impulses for a night was enough. It’s time to find peace.

                He writes a letter to Luke telling him about the new realizations he’s come to, and waits for his reply anxiously. It comes a few days later, not long before their usual Sunday meetings. When Calum reads it, he feels, this time, his heart, starting to break.

                _Calum,_

                _First of all, I'm sorry for having made you go out so late at night. Hopefully no one noticed you weren't home. I needed you. I really did. When you touch me...I forget everything that isn't you._

                _Look, I'd hate to tell you about this face to face because it would sound like I am wallowing in self-pity. Basically things are shit at home these days. They won't let me go outside, except on Sundays to go to church. My father lets it out on me sometimes. My mother has lost her mind, I believe. Out of us all, she was the most affected by Jack's death._

                _You say we should tell them everything, Calum. But it cannot be. I can't do that to them. I can't do that to her. Now they'll never get grandchildren and I'm the one to blame. I shouldn't be the way I am, I'm aware of that. I told you: can't help it. What would they say if they found out that on top of being like that, I'm in love with **you** , my cousin? That's the worst thing I could do to them._

                _Obviously, I won't be able to keep it a secret forever. But just a little more. At least until things are settled again. I'm sorry, Calum. You know I love you very much, with all my heart. I hope you aren't angry. Please do come next Sunday, I should be allowed to stay after the mass. We'll go downtown, have some hot chocolate. It's time we have some quiet moments, just the two of us, doing soothing things. I need it. I need you._

                _Goodbye, Calum._

                Calum doesn't reply to his letter since Luke wouldn't receive anything before Sunday. Luke's words make a strong impression on him. Now he knows, it's been said explicitly, what Luke's family do to him. Yet another time, it makes him sad to think such a unique person has to bear these things. Calum wants to love him, endlessly, hard, gently, a lot, sweetly. The end of the letter has him imagining things, like Luke and he sitting at a table of a cozy coffee shop, strolling in the streets, holding hands, going home, doing nothing, just being together. To him, nothing would be better. That's when he has an idea. Next week is the beginning of the holidays, a few days before Christmas. He remembers Luke's parents have planned to spend a while in their holiday house before coming back for the celebration. Instantly as he considers this, Calum knows he wants to spend the weekend at Luke's.

                Getting Mr. and Mrs. Hemmings to accept to part from Luke for two days will be hard, he's aware of that. But after all, they are cousins, he doesn't see why they would forbid Luke to see him in particular. Christmas is drawing near. He’d better ask as soon as he can. On the following Sunday, Calum decides he has to go to the mass to church and meet Luke’s parents there. The thing is that he won’t be able to tell Luke about his idea beforehand and this is hazardous. But a surprise like this one cannot be a bad one, right? Calum plans to go to the church sooner than usual and talk to the Hemmings at the end of the mass.

                Indeed, when he reaches the church place on Sunday morning, as people walk out of the church and the bell rings midday, he sees, from afar, Luke and his parents. The three of them are walking close to each other. Mrs. Hemmings looks as if she’s miles away. Quietly, Calum approaches them and as they see him, he smiles and waves. “Hello Liz, hello Andrew,” he says. “I was going for a walk,” he lies, “and I saw you so I decided to say hello. How are you?” His polite tone sounds a little bit awkward and the look Luke is giving him clearly shows the boy can sense something is happening.

                “We’re fine, thank you Calum,” Mr. Hemmings answers without smiling back. “How’s your family?” He’s polite enough not to be rude, but it was close.

                “We’re okay, thank you,” Calum replies. “I wanted to ask you something, actually.” At this, Luke goes very pale. Calum quickly reassures him. “I saw Luke the other day and he told me you’d planned to spend a few days at your holiday house, away from home… I think that’s a good idea,” he begins. “And I thought – I mean, we thought that the two of you could have a more quiet time if Luke and I stayed here together,” he says. He chooses his words carefully, making sure nothing could be implying he wants to take Luke away from them. And as he glances at his cousin, he sees his blue eyes have widened noticeably. They’re glowing with fright. And maybe a bit of hope.

                Luke’s father frowns. He looks amazingly tired. “The two of you?”

                “We actually wanted to spend those few days with Luke as well,” his wife adds. She has lost a lot of weight since the last time Calum saw her.

                “I see,” Calum says slowly. The atmosphere becomes tense.

                “Why would you want to do this?” Mr. Hemmings asks Luke.

                Calum’s cheeks go red after this blunt question as Luke bites his lip and doesn’t reply. “It’s just a weekend between cousins,” he says.

                “Mum,” Luke begins. “Just four days?” he says hesitantly. He sounds like he’s torn between avoiding conflict by taking his parents’ side and listening to his heart.

                “Yes, why not,” Liz says with a sigh that makes Calum shiver. She’s very reluctant, which is quite a normal reaction, given Calum is basically asking her to let go of her son, even though it is only for half a week.

                “Luke could sleep at our place,” Calum says.

                “You could sleep at ours, it’s the same thing and you will be alone. I’m sure your sister won’t say no to this,” Mr. Hemmings replies, with a forced smile this time. “Look, Luke and us will talk about it at home and we’ll tell you whether it can work.”

                “Thank you so much, Andrew,” Calum grins. “Thank you.”

                “Yeah, thanks, Dad,” Luke says low. Calum meets his eyes and what he sees there makes his heart flutter with affection, but also a lingering tinge of guilt. Maybe he should have told him before acting on an impulse. But Luke looks away and he nods. “That’s great.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyy thanks for reading!


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closure is sweet - more or less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayy so thanks again for being here and I hope you'll like this! Please drop a lil comment at the end and I'll tell Santa to bring you everything you've wished for :)

 

 

                This is a good feeling. After the end of the mass, instead of staying inside the church as they usually do, Calum and Luke say goodbye to the boy’s parents and take a walk downtown to have a warm drink somewhere. The sky is grey and it’s cold, but Calum feels fine inside. As they’re walking away from the church, Luke’s fingers brush the back of his hand. Calum looks at him. Luke doesn’t turn to him but a small smile crosses his lips. Near the city hall, there is a wide place with oak trees and little shops around it – a bakery, a flower shop, a restaurant… And a coffee shop. Calum loves it, it’s the one he bought coffee from for Luke and him once.

                They wait until they’re sitting at a table to talk. A waiter gives them the menu and time to decide. In the end, Luke orders a hot chocolate, Calum orders a coffee, and a piece of vanilla cake to share. For a while, they keep quiet, gazing at the place out of the bay-window. Calum cannot help looking at Luke as well. He looks beautiful in his black clothes. Maybe his hair will glow as golden as before again with time. The waiter brings their order to them and Calum pays for it straight away. As Luke wraps his hands around his cup, relishing its warmth, Calum smiles fondly. “You didn’t tell me about that idea,” Luke says low.

                “You don’t like it?” Calum asks.

                “I do. So much,” Luke answers. “I just didn’t think you’d ask for such a thing.”

                “I really want this.” It’s true. The thought of spending several days alone with Luke sounds like the sweetest thing in the world. Calum feels somewhat guilty of being taking Luke away from his parents, but he needs him just as much as they do.

                “I want it, too,” Luke says.

                They’re silent for a while. Calum sips his coffee calmly. It’s hot on his tongue, and very strong. The cake is delicious as well. It’s soft and sweet. Then Calum has to bring up the letter. It has been dancing in his mind for hours and hours now. “Luke,” he says. “I got your letter.” His cousin looks down at the half-empty cup of chocolate and doesn’t say anything. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Calum asks softly. “I’m not gonna lie, I also did this to get you away from them for a few days,” he adds. “You can tell me, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

                Luke shakes his head. “There’s nothing left to say, I told you about it already.”

                “That’s not true,” Calum says. He whispers. “What do they do to you?”

                Luke answers after a minute. “Only my father,” he replies. “Sometimes he gets angry.”

                Calum’s heart aches and he reaches out for Luke’s hand, stroking it, squeezing it. He doesn’t understand why anyone would hit Luke out of anger, especially his own father. Luke’s parents must cherish him more than anything else in the world now. So, why? Calum guesses grief makes people do strange things sometimes. He covers Luke’s hands with his own and they keep each other warm. Then, when they least expected it, as they take a look outside, they see tiny white things falling from the sky gently. It’s snowing.

                Calum walks Luke home after they’ve finished. If it goes on like this, the whole town will be white by tomorrow. He goes home as well afterwards. During the following days, they plan their weekend at Luke’s place which is coming soon. Calum is still surprised and happy the boy’s parents accepted. He thought there would be more discussion and even that in the end, Luke wouldn’t be home before Christmas. Still, on Saturday morning, Calum goes to Luke’s with all his things packed in a bag, including movies to watch and music to listen to. There is catching up to do. He sees Liz and Andrew Hemmings briefly before they go. It sounds painful for both of them to leave Luke, even if the boy tells them everything will be fine. Then they’re gone. And Luke and Calum are alone.

                It’s still early in the morning, and the blonde-haired boy is actually in his pyjamas. He looks sleepy and quite different from usual. Calum loves this side of him. His sweatpants and tousled hair and wet eyes, his discreet yawns and his pink cheeks. “Just woke up?” Calum asks. Luke nods. They stroll around casually, until Calum sees him rub his eyes for the hundredth time and he smiles as he has a deliciously lazy idea. “Wanna go back to bed?”

                In the end, he takes his pyjamas out of his bag sooner than expected. Luke seems glad to slip under the covers again and even more to have Calum joining him. Luke’s bedroom is sweet. There are pictures of landscapes and of his family, especially of Jack, and pictures of someone Calum recognizes as Ben. He looked like a younger version of who Luke is now. It’s strange to think he would be twenty-six or twenty-seven if he were still there. The walls are white, there is wooden-flooring, and Luke’s bed is perfectly large enough for two. The mattress is soft. At first, Calum doesn’t fall asleep because he woke up long ago. He watches Luke, holds his cold body. Luke’s eyes are closed, he’s breathing in and out slowly and it makes quiet, steady sounds. And of course, bit by bit, Calum drifts away.

                They wake up in the early afternoon. Luke’s all snuggled up against Calum and when he opens his eyes, he makes low whining sounds and sort of rubs his face on Calum’s chest repeatedly. This is the very moment when Calum knows his heart has been stolen from him.

                After going on an expedition to the kitchen in order to fetch the most unhealthy food items they find – which means instant noodles and chocolate snacks – they go back to Luke’s bed and turn on his TV to watch a movie. Calum doesn’t truly know what it’s about. He chose it randomly. But feeling Luke warm against him as he gazes at the screen absently is more than enough to satisfy him.

                He gets bored of the movie after a while, whereas Luke focuses on it. So Calum decides to find an occupation. Softly, he presses his lips to his cousin’s neck and kisses him there, then goes all the way down to his shoulders and his chest. Luke shivers and he smiles a little. Calum keeps kissing him here and touching him there, waiting for the moment when Luke lets out a sound. He doesn’t have to wait much longer.

                Calum goes down on Luke and he does things to him until the end of the movie and even after it’s over. And really, he thinks that’s what love feels like. They’re not even doing anything in particular because although Luke is looking at the TV screen, he’s not watching carefully. At the end they turn it off and play some music, not very loud. From the last Arctic Monkeys or Coldplay album, everything is a good soundtrack to touching Luke. Two coffee cups rest on the bedside table, with the chocolate bars. Luke reads a book to him. Calum feels good. All he wants is to please Luke, nothing more. After all these months of uncontrollable feelings, violent emotions and rough love, this is good to have at last.

                Luke at home, Luke under the sheets, Luke with chocolate in his hands, Luke with glasses on, Luke wearing sweatpants, Luke looking vulnerable, is what Calum loves the most. Every moment is so precious he wants to keep it and cherish it forever. When he asks him what a perfect day would be in his opinion, Luke takes a little notebook next to the Bible on his bedside table and writes down, _My bed, chocolate, good music, a book, and your face between my legs._ It makes him giggle and Calum laughs and kisses him and they have a silly make out session and dumb love-making and stupid cuddling. Calum wishes it would last forever.

                When the evening comes, they order pizza and ice-cream which they eat before Calum chases Luke in the entire house and they laugh and trip and slip and fall and laugh again. Then they’re stumbling back to the bedroom and undressing yet another time and Calum entangles himself in Luke so easily it feels natural. Even if he doesn’t say it and won’t say it, it somehow feels satisfying to know he’s having Luke all to himself inside the Hemmings’ own house. It’s childish revenge, but still revenge. Ha.

                The next days go the same way as the first one. Very quiet, very pleasant. On Tuesday, they lie in bed in the morning to watch a movie then snuggle up to each other. Against Calum's chest, Luke's rests and for once, it's really warm. He's playing with the little cross on the chain he wears around his neck. Since he almost never takes it off, it's always there, whether it is underneath his shirt or not. And today, it's only touching his bare skin. Calum watches his pale fingers fiddle with the metal, feeling slightly annoyed without quite knowing why. Then it hits him and he brushes Luke's hand with his own. The pendant is right between them. It may be a small thing, but seeing it is to Calum a symbol of one of the tallest obstacles to their relationship. "Do you always wear it?" he asks softly.

                "Yes," Luke says. He looks up briefly but keeps stroking the cross. "Why?"

                "Just wanted to know," Calum answers. He wraps his arm around Luke and pulls him closer. In moments like these, he suddenly becomes aware of the big place religion holds in Luke's heart. This is quite strange given the way Luke leads his life, but still understandable. Calum knows Luke's faith is something he will never be able to comprehend, he'll never have access to it, to why saying thank you for everything he gets and asking for forgiveness for everything he's done is so important to him or to why kneeling and lighting candles makes him feel so reassured. Luke, without a doubt, does believe in God. And yet, he loves Calum. And yet, he makes love to him like nothing else in the world mattered. Luke seems to have made choices.

                Obviously, he knows that from a very strict religious point of view, what he does may be considered as a sin. He knows he's not going to change the way he is. And yet, unconsciously, he feels guilty. Calum sees all these feelings underneath the surface of his mind. Luke cannot change. But he tries to. _I'm going to hell anyway_ , he told Calum once. As the memory of that moment comes back to him, Calum strokes Luke's arm and nuzzles his neck while the boy's forehead rests on his shoulder. "You're not a bad person, you know," he whispers.

                "Why are you telling me this?" Luke asks.

                "Because it's true."

                Calum swears that a few minutes later, he feels something wet on his shoulder.

                They eventually drift off into sleep. They still have time until Luke's parents come home. When Calum closes his eyes, Luke’s hands are still pressed softly against his skin. Their legs are tangled together. He feels good.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                _They’re coming back, walking along the driveway. They missed their house, they missed him too. They’re still bitter about it. They carry the bags, check nothing has changed. They lead the way, she follows. They met her in town by chance and politely invited her to tea. She’s family, after all. They’re almost there. Then they’re there. They open the door, step into a silent hall. “Such a lovely house, you made the right choice,” she says. They thank her. They offer her a drink, maybe biscuits. She says yes. They offer to show her around. They call again. No answer. They must be listening to music, they must not hear, they must be busy. “We’ll surprise them,” she smiles. They don’t smile as much but still a little. They really did miss him. They all climb the stairs. She finds the paper on the walls quite pretty. They knock on the door. They call again. No answer. They smile, they open the door. “Hello there,” she begins. Then they stand there frozen, and don’t quite understand how such a thing might have happened._

~

 

 

 

                It doesn’t take long for all that noise to wake Calum up. A few seconds after the door opens, his eyes shoot open and all of a sudden he realizes where these strange sounds which invaded his dreams just now came from. It feels like a kind of electric shock running through his body. It’s horrifying. He’s not facing the door but his blood runs cold and he knows, he knows that if he turns around he will see them. Their steps slam against the wooden flooring and Luke wakes up in a start. His beautiful blue eyes widen as he looks behind Calum and desperately, he pulls away from Calum, untangling himself from him, letting go of his hair, releasing his grip on his fingers. He’s pressed against the wall and Calum knows everything is going to be fucked up.

                A whisper, “Oh no,” drifts out of Liz’s mouth. She stands under the doorframe, unmoving, except for her hand making a trembling sign of the cross. Next to her is Calum’s mother who looks puzzled and slightly worried. It all happens very fast. Calum tries hard to make a move but doesn’t succeed. Luke’s father is already walking in, to the bed they’re sharing, and throwing the sheets away. Luke curls up against the wall, he’s shivering, his pale legs look like snow. Instinctively, Calum wraps his arm around his body in attempt to protect him but Mr. Hemmings pushes him back harshly. “Get away from my son!” he shouts.

                “What did you do to him? What did you do to him?!” Liz Hemmings asks repeatedly. She sounds desperate, incredulous, terrified. Both Luke and Calum squirm and reach for each other on the mattress, trying to hide they’re naked, trying to hide they’ve been sharing a bed. Luke’s father is shoving him out of the way roughly to grab Calum’s arm and squeeze tight. Calum looks at his mother and begs her to do something but she can only stare and she doesn’t let out a single word. “Did he rape you? Did he hurt you?” Luke’s mother asks him. She’s crying, almost sobbing, shaking. Luke shakes his head and tries to say no but it just won’t come out, Calum sees it. His eyes are clouded with tears.

                “I’ll deal with you later,” Andrew Hemmings tells his son loudly. All blood seems to have rushed away from Luke’s face. He looks like he has gone, just like that day at the funeral. “And you!” Hemmings shouts at Calum. His grip on the young man’s arm is terribly tight and it’s painful.

                “You’re hurting me, Andrew,” Calum says through clenched teeth. It all feels so unreal. The sound of his heart is pulsing in his ears, threatening to erase all the rest.

                “You!” Luke’s father shouts at Calum. “You dare do this in our house? You tricked us into this, stole our son from us, lied with him and you dare speak to me this way?” At every word he says, he tightens his grip on Calum and shakes him with a force brought to him by rage.

                “Don’t hit him, Dad, please don’t hit him!” Luke lets out. He’s sobbing, his mother is holding him and trying to keep him away from Calum.

                “Andrew, let go of Calum,” Joy begins, coming closer to them for the first time. She looks scared. Calum knows she is scared. He’s scared too. He’s terrified. How could they be so careless and lie in bed without thinking Luke’s parents might come back earlier than planned? Mr. Hemmings doesn’t do as he’s told and instead he turns to Joy. Instantly, she steps back and her eyes widen with fear.

                “Your Calum _raped_ my son!” he shouts.

                “He didn’t, he didn’t, that’s not true!” Luke keeps saying. His words are drowned in tears and he begs his mother to let him go but she won’t. “He didn’t rape me, he didn’t, he didn’t… Please…”

                “You have no right to forbid us to do anything, you have no right to forbid us to be in love – ” Calum begins.

                “Luke would never love someone like _you_ ,” Andrew spits. “You disgust me.”

                At this, Calum’s fear starts to simmer and boil until it turns into anger, very fast and very suddenly. “Shut up!” he yells. At last, Luke’s father seems to be startled enough to listen. He stands before Calum, breathless, eyes wide, looking insane. “I did not harm Luke, we both wanted this – we both want this and you can change nothing about it. Nothing! I’m in love with Luke and he’s in love with me, you have to accept it. We’ve done nothing wrong!” Calum says, picturing a knife being thrust into Mr. Hemmings’ skin at every word he says. “I don’t care what you or your religion says. “I’ve been loving Luke for more than one year, and I’ve been loving him better than you ever have,” he finishes.

                “How dare you,” Andrew Hemmings says once again. He pulls Calum off the bed and drags him outside the bedroom. Luke shouts his name and Calum attempts to come back to him, but he doesn’t succeed. He gets away from Luke’s father for a second, stumbles back towards the bedroom, only to be caught again almost instantly. His mother is picking up his things. From afar, he can hear Liz crying. He struggles to put on a pair of sweatpants before they reach the door. Luke is running down the stairs already. He’s calling, pleading his father not to hurt anyone, adding _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry._ This is what breaks Calum’s heart. His cousin tries, but it’s too late. Calum and his mother are kicked out and the door slams behind them as Luke screams _Calum!_

                A sudden, deafening silence crushes Calum. He stands where he is, frozen as a statue. His mother doesn’t move. After a few seconds, they hear more yelling inside, then heavy, dull thuds, and finally, quiet sobbing. All Calum wants to do is burst back inside and kill Luke’s father. Not out of rage or hatred. This would be a cold, deliberate murder. It is a very impure thought, but it has crossed his mind several times in the past, though never as insistently as today. He’s about to grab the doorknob and push it, enter the house, hit and kick and hurt Andrew Hemmings until the man can move no more, pick Luke up and comfort him, hold him, take him home and love him, but his mother grabs his arm and pulls him away. She walks fast along the driveway and along the street. Soon, Luke’s house is out of sight.

                Christmas tomorrow. A sharp wind is blowing. Calum has never felt so cold.

 

 

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

                The next days and weeks are among the most painful ones he has ever experienced. His mother is furious with him for lying. His father scolds him and grounds him. They blame it all on him, are horrified by his actions, cannot believe what he’s done. A whole year. His cousin. Seeing all his secrets exposed feels like Calum is being stripped naked in front of his family. They make him feel ashamed, they make him feel bad about what he did with Luke, and that’s the worst thing to him. He loves Luke, so much. He has genuine feelings for him. And his parents turn those feelings into something tainted. He hates them, he hates them. He shouts a lot. They send him to his room. Mali-koa doesn’t speak to him anymore. She ignores him as if he weren’t really there.

                Calum waits for a while before he tries calling Luke. Of course, he gets no answer. He writes a letter to him but never gets a reply. He feels terribly alone. He doesn’t even see the Hemmings’ at church on Sundays anymore. They seem to have disappeared.

                Calum’s parents are the ones who make the decision. They tell him they have come to the conclusion it would be better for him to spend time away from the family and to focus on his studies. Calum finds out they’re sending him to a strict boarding school several hundred kilometres away. When he sees the paper, he screams and he tears it in two. They send him to his room. He gets out shortly after and hears them arguing about Luke and him, his father saying Luke turned Calum into what he is, his mother replying they were both at fault. Calum loses it. They send him to his room.

                Luke is kept away inside his house. Sometimes Calum walks past it and stops for a moment, hoping to see his cousin, or even to catch a glimpse of something that reminds him of him: the white curtains of his bedroom, a light at night, his silhouette through the glass, a sign, anything. But it’s all frozen. Silent. Dead. Calum leaves.

                He’s off to the boarding school the following month. He doesn’t even see Luke again a single time.

 

 


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello so this is the last chapter and...I hope you'll like it!

 

 

                Time heals all wounds. It is slow, though. Calum moves away from town in January. He finds out he will live in a small flat on campus, probably with a roommate. He wasn’t mistaken. Calum doesn’t like the part of the country it is in. It’s much hotter than in the South, even in winter. The atmosphere feels suffocating, not only because of the weather but also because of the reason why Calum went there in the first place. His roommate is a terribly boring boy. It’s a Christian school, and contrary to Calum, that boy is a good boy. He smiles, he stands straight. Calum finds him tasteless, watered-down, gray. He misses Luke. He wishes his cousin were the one breathing quietly near him in the dark every night. He wishes he woke up to his face in the morning. But instead when he opens his eyes, all he sees is that Jeremy boy and he hates him even more, foolishly, because he isn’t Luke.

                The classes actually aren’t that bad. It’s different from Calum’s previous school, but not in a bad way. The teachers may be strict, but their lessons are quite interesting. Calum decides that since he has no choice, he may as well study hard. From time to time, he writes a letter to Luke, even though he knows he won’t get a reply. He doesn’t miss his parents. Strangely, he wishes Mali-koa was there. She’s mean to him, cold, but she’s still his sister and in spite of all her flaws, he still likes her. After a month or two, when he texts her, she answers and they start having conversations, polite and uninteresting at first, but getting warmer after a while.

                He finds it hard to make friends. They all seem so strange to him, all dressed the same way, getting good grades, wearing those cross necklaces. Calum thinks they wouldn’t even step near him if they knew why he was sent there. However, as spring comes, he opens up and meets people he grows to appreciate. There’s a girl from his history class who is quite nice, and two boys who share the room next to his. That girl, Anne, is one of the best students there, but when she confesses she doesn’t really believe in God – _oops_ – Calum decides they’re going to be friends. After he was sent away, he began to hate every single thing about religion, even if there was no other reason that just because of Luke’s family. He likes Anne, really. The two boys are equally pleasant. Calum thought they were as boring as the rest of the school, but he finds out he was wrong.

                Weeks go by. Even Jeremy turns out not to be that bad. Of course, he’s a bit self-effacing, he’s small and obedient, but he’s kind. Calum realizes he has no reason to hate him and warms up to him after a while. The end of the school year goes smoothly and his grades get better. There still are moments when he thinks of Luke and wants to go home and find him whatever it takes, but he tells himself it’s impossible. Yet sometimes, it feels unbearable. After he gets closer to Anne, he ends up telling her about his cousin, even if he leaves out some parts of the story. She listens and holds him when he cries. Calum looks up after a while. When he kisses her lips, he knows he’s only doing it because he misses contact, he misses love. She smiles at him sadly and hugs him tighter.

                Another year lapses. Calum gets used to his new life. He visits his parents from time to time during the holidays, never for long. The second year is much easier, since he knows more people and he isn’t the new kid anymore. He is rooming with Harry now, one of his new friends. Everything seems to have become more quiet and peaceful. For the first time in months, Calum goes back to church on a Sunday. It’s very different from the one in his hometown – smaller, with much more light inside. Warmer, too. He likes it quite a lot. Seeing religion as a healthy and comforting thing seems to help. He starts to feel better.

                His friends throw a party for his birthday in January. They surprise him in a classroom they borrowed after asking the school principal about it. There’s vanilla cake, drinks, candy and they even have a present for him. It makes Calum all fuzzy and warm inside. They party until midnight, then they clean everything up before going back to their rooms. Harry goes ahead of Calum and Calum tells him he’ll be there in a minute. He stays with Anne and they stroll along the corridors lazily, making no noise. “Hope you liked the party,” she says quietly.

                “I did,” Calum smiles.

                They’re at the door separating the boys’ dorms from the girls’ dorms when he cups her face gently and kisses her. This time, he’s not crying and the two of them are aware of what they’re doing. Anne kisses him back, hesitantly at first, then she places her thin hands on Calum’s waist and doesn’t let go. Calum closes his eyes. This is a new feeling. The memory of his first kiss with Anne is confused, he knows he wasn’t in his normal state back then. Now he’s tasting her and he finds out he likes it. The last person he kissed for real was Luke. A hint of guilt pools in his stomach but he ignores it. Anne’s lips are nothing like Luke’s. They’re plump, warm, she wears lip balm and it tastes like raspberries. She’s much smaller, her hair is long and straight and black. And yet, when she whispers _you shouldn’t_ and she pushes him away gently, Calum thinks he sees a bit of his cousin in her blue eyes.

                She gives him a warm hug and lets him go. Calum goes back to his bedroom sheepishly and has a little trouble falling asleep. A strange dream haunts him that night, in which he stumbles into the old church, and finds Luke holding Anne’s hand, kissing her cheek, and looking at him like he used to do, intensely, like saying _you deserved this_. He wakes up to Harry giving him a concerned look. “You were kinda screaming things,” his friend says. Calum apologizes and tries hard to push these thoughts away.

                Anne doesn’t mention the kiss on the following day and neither does Calum. Life goes on.

                There’s that one night during the spring holidays when most of his friends have gone to visit their families. Harry isn’t there, Anne isn’t there. Calum watches a movie on his laptop, alone in his bedroom. He feels cold. As he gets up to fetch a sweater, he hums a song. He opens the closet. Harry’s clothes are on the right side of it and Calum’s are on the left side. He reaches for his favourite black one when his hand brushes something and he hears a stumbling sound. A box falls to the ground in front of him, opening up and revealing a hundred envelopes. Calum stops moving. He puts on his sweater slowly then kneels down and grabs one of the envelopes. His heart thumps inside his chest.

                Luke’s messy handwriting has never made him feel so overwhelmed before. This is one of the first letters they exchanged. Calum reads it, reads _I love every part of you_ , reads _Please touch me more next time_. His fingers rush to a second envelope. Then a third one, a fourth one, a fifth one. He opens them all and Polaroid pictures fall to the floor. It’s like a puzzle of the time he spent with Luke. On one of the pictures, Luke’s ice blue eyes. One another one, his hand on Calum’s chest. His bare legs, his arms covered in a black jacket, him sleeping, the two of them cuddling in the graveyard. Then there are pictures that make Calum’s head spin. Hipbones, skin, lips, a blush, hickeys. Calum picks the box up off the floor and collapses on his bed, dizzy and aroused.

                He spends several hours reading every single one of Luke’s letters. At first he feels excited, but then it fades into sadness and pain. The feeling of missing Luke had become less permanent and heavy with time, but now it’s rushing back to him. All he wants is to see him. Calum sorts the letters in chronological order, runs his fingers over the paper, over the pictures, thinking Luke’s hands touched these once. Then he clutches the last of them against his chest as he cries himself to sleep.

                He still misses him, he does. But he cannot do anything about it. Just like the previous one, this school year ends quickly. Calum decides he has to move on. He needs to move on. In his third year, he meets a girl from physics class who has long, wavy blonde hair and light grey eyes, who wears glasses sometimes and has a beautiful laugh. She gives him friendly looks during those classes. On a weekend, Calum offers her to go to the movies together. After the date, they stumble back to his room – he made sure to tell Harry to crash somewhere else for the night – and they lie together. In the morning, Calum feels empty.

                They don’t date for a long time. That girl, Sarah, though nice and beautiful, doesn’t make Calum feel safe. He feels guilty when he breaks it to her, but she understands and walks away from him. A few weeks pass before he meets Rose. She is nothing like Sarah. Her skin feels like peaches, and her eyes look like chocolate. The way she kisses Calum makes thrills run down his spine. She’s a dancer. Sometimes she swirls around and her dress waves in the air prettily as she laughs. Calum thinks he loves her. He doesn’t. She seems to feel it and drifts away from him after a month or two, quietly.

                Then there’s Tiffany. Dark hair, dark eyes. She breaks Calum’s heart in less than a week. Those few days go by in a hot and messy blur and before he knows it, he’s running back to Anne, she’s taking him in her arms, holding him, stroking his hair, they’re undressing and he makes love to her like he would have made love to his best friend. Anne is gentle. She has small breasts, pale and soft skin, and when her legs wrap around Calum’s waist, it takes his breath away. He doesn’t feel guilty this time. He knows he needed this.

                Later, his school years come to an end. Anne announces him she’s moving to Scotland. Calum doesn’t feel sad. Anne is like a book he opened when he entered the boarding school. He read her, loved her, spent time with her, and now he’s closing her after her last words. All things come and go. He finds a job in another city and moves there, renting a flat. Sometimes he still thinks of Luke, but his memory is no longer painful. It’s more like a light calling him and he knows that maybe, one day, he’ll answer.

                About one year later, Calum visits his parents for Christmas. They still live in his hometown. It doesn’t feel like home much anymore, though. Calum is happy to see his sister again. Mali-koa hasn’t changed at all. Her dark brown hair is still as smooth as before and the color of her golden skin, so similar to Calum’s, hasn’t faded one bit. She’s got a fiancé now. He is a tall, kind man, with glasses, who looks like he loves Mali more than anything in the world. Calum is glad she’s found her own happiness.

                The Christmas lunch goes well. Presents are exchanged, stories and hugs. John, Mali-koa’s fiancé, is the owner of a famous clothing brand. _Perfect for her_ , Calum thinks. Otherwise, he’s a pleasant guest. Calum feels good there. The Christmas tree in the living-room sparkles and smells heavenly. There’s snow outside. He thinks of people he misses. At the end of the meal, they have orange and chocolate tea, eat the cake his mother baked, and talk for a while. In the late afternoon, he decides to go. After saying goodbye to Mali-koa and John as well as his parents, he walks out of the house. The air is cold but dry outside. Calum goes for a walk. It’s been a long time since he stayed for more than a few hours in his hometown.

                Without knowing how, he finds himself walking to the church. He’s attracted to it as if the wind were pushing him forward. The day is ending and the streets are getting darker. Vanilla lights glow through the stained-glass windows. He knows his parents went to the mass this morning. Calum walks to the large doors slowly, gazing at the stone walls. The church reminds him of so many things that he feels intimidated. A whisper of Christmas carols is up in the air. He thinks of Luke.

                Somehow, he knew he would be there, waiting. Calum goes between the benches. The church is empty. Except for a black silhouette far away. With golden hair. Calum walks faster. His heart shivers inside his chest. The boy doesn’t turn around. It seems to take Calum hours and hours to reach him. When finally he does, he stands near him. Then, silently, he sits by his side, looking in front of him at the candles burning in a corner of the church. The boy’s clothes are just as black as four years ago. And Calum knows. He knows it’s always been him. No chocolate eyes, long blonde hair, pretty dresses or giggles could be more beautiful than him. Calum is in love. He still is. It’s always been him.

                Once Luke took Calum to church. Tonight Calum will take him home. They’ll learn what time made them forget about each other, they’ll talk, all night, Calum will cherish every single word his cousin lets out because he knows their worth now. They’ll lie together under the sheets, he’ll slip his hand under Luke’s shirt, take a peek and smile when he only sees spotless skin with no red or purple bruises staining it. Luke will hold him. They’ll promise not to touch each other now, they’ll want to give it time. When Calum wakes up in the morning, he’ll watch him sleep, observing every tiny detail, every tiny little something that has changed in Luke. He’ll lose his breath from loving him. Luke’s hair will be tousled, he’ll be messy, his cheeks will be red, he’ll be wet in some places, but he’ll be everything to Calum.

                Calum will make hot chocolate for him, they’ll laugh when Luke burns his tongue drinking it. But then the golden-haired boy will give him that intense look, soft yet intimidating, and Calum will tell him everything – Anne, the girls, the letters, his heart growing lighter at every second, the weight of guilt fading and going away. Luke will forgive him. He’ll explain why he never replied to his letters. _I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave ever again_ , he’ll say. Calum will promise he won’t. Then they will kiss. Oh God, he’ll have waited so long for that. Luke’s lips, his fingers, his breathless moans. They’ll be in love.

                Calum knows they’ll do all of this. But for now, he waits quietly.

                They don’t speak, they don’t move.

                Luke smiles.

                Calum smiles too.

                _Welcome home._

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I'm really happy about this story and proud of it, not gonna lie. Thanks for reading till the end!  
> Please tell me what you liked or didn't like about it, I'll reply and we can chat hahaha  
> I wish you all a merry Christmas <3
> 
>  
> 
> P.S.: Would you guys wanna read a **h o r r o r** fanfic?...


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